Overturning Roe Doesn’t Go Far Enough. Sperm Must Be Given Full Citizenship.

The following editorial was written by Will Riccilumbo, a Fox News contributing editor and 2020’s Shitdick Magazine “Shitdick of The Year.” The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Riccilumbo, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its management, or staff.

For all the handwringing the left is doing about losing Roe Vs Wade later this summer, I gotta say, I think they’re missing the forest for the trees. Quite frankly, as a pro-life American, I think striking down Roe should only the first step, the opening salvo in reclaiming this country for the forces of good/Christofascism. If anything, to me, as a good, clean, Bible thumping, Christ loving, ammo hoarding, Christian American Patriot, striking down Roe doesn’t go nearly far enough.

If we’re really going to protect life in this country, we need to start before conception. And now, I don’t even mean saying that life begins at erection. By then, I think there’s too much wiggle room for liberals to argue their way out of it. So, to me, I think there’s really only one way to ensure that unborn life is as protected as possible.

Grant citizenship to sperm.

Now, I know that some of you out there are laughing at me for even suggesting it. That’s fine. I just know that if we give people birthright citizenship in this country, we should also give them could-be-birthed-right citizenship too. Is not every sperm worthy of protecting, if life is, as we know it to be, so very sacred?

Some of you might be wondering why I’m not suggesting that the eggs in a female’s ovaries be given the same protections. That is an astute observation. And it’s easily explained: Because I don’t like women unless I’m trying to have sex with them, which considering how very, very, very, very few women want to fuck me, means I don’t like pretty much every woman.

Except my cousin Lindsey.

I implore every American to stop and think, just for a moment, if they want to live in a country where Jizzy Americans aren’t protected just as vigorously and rigorously as Post-Jizzy Americans. I know my feelings, and now you do too, and I am sure I did a very good job convincing you, as my logic is as rock solid as Donald Trump’s abs.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.