WASHINGTON, D.C. — An obnoxious, lying reality-TV conman and trust fund racist spent about an hour standing at a lectern across from another lectern that was occupied by the President of Finland. The orange-tinted, blathering liar spent most of the time inflating his ego, however because it was a ostensibly a press conference he was taking part in, he decided to answer some questions.
The cantankerous nitwit’s version of answering questions, however, would look to most average human beings like shouting and screaming baseless conspiracy theories at reporters.
“We call him Shifty Schiff,” the gargantuan lying sack of stupid screamed at anyone who would listen to him later in the day. “That was a great line, wasn’t it? Didn’t I do such a great job at the press conference everyone?”
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Like trained, beaten dogs, everyone within earshot of him replied in unison.
“Yes, Mr. President.”
For roughly an hour, the President of Finland patiently stood just a few feet from the very loud, very untruthful man. At one point, the Finnish president even seemed to softly chide the bloviating clown to his left for not taking better care of America’s democracy. Local irony experts would say this exchange could test the world’s supply of irony because it would be America’s democracy being wielded as it was intended to be that would ultimately end the corrupt liar’s reign of error and terror, depending on how brown one’s skin is.
“Oh man! Did you hear how I good I sounded out there? I was so mad and reflexively combative! I threw out all kinds conspiracy theories! I accused Biden of doing stuff that’s been debunked! I screamed at people asking me questions! It made me seem so totally and completely innocent,” the lying moron shouted at his staff. “Don’t you agree, everyone?”
Again, they replied in unison.
“Yes, Mr. President.”
For the majority of the press conference, the lying dipshit stood awkwardly at the podium before him, leaning forward and pushing his gigantic backside outward. Whenever given the chance, the prevaricating mendacity monger made sure to insert as much baseless propaganda and conspiracy theorizing as he could. Mostly, the target of his complaints were the people trying to hold him accountable in Congress, and the man he sees as his biggest electoral threat next year.
The unctuous, lying asshat insinuated that he was the victim of a coup on his presidency. He suggested a sitting member of Congress is a traitor who committed the crime of doing his job according to the Constitution. It’s unclear at this time if the corpulent authoritarian tax dodging would-be autocrat will actually push to charge a top ranking Democrat with treason, or if his threats carry as much truth as his promises to make Mexico pay for a wall at the southern border.
“I have to say, I am very pleased with and proud of myself,” the overflowing burlap sack of racist Breitbart headlines told his staff this evening. “I managed to throw out all the good hits. I called him Sleepy Joe, and even pinned crooked on him for the first time. That’s a big hit with my base. It’ll prolly keep me from getting impeached, too, because in the Constal-too-shun it says you can’t impeach a president if his base thinks someone is crooked. Isn’t that right, paid stooges?”
Once more, the entire room’s occupants responded in one voice.
“Yes, Mr. President.”
A couple of hours before the joint press conference, the problematic presidential pussy ass bitch sat in the Oval Office with the Finnish president. Just as he would do a short while later, the nincompoop in chief took the opportunity to lambast the whistleblower whose complaint is at the center of the impeachment inquest that threatens his presidency. And as was the case during the presser, the tubby ball of asininity mostly spewed wild accusations without any evidence. President StupidDummy T. Moron once more insinuated that a sitting member of congress committed a crime by paraphrasing the untruthful chowderhead.
“Everyone come over here and high-fucking-five me for my great performance today. Tell me it was the greatest you’ve ever seen, and fucking act like you mean it,” the tyrannical pissant shouted at his aides.
The room lined up and began passionately high-fiving the president, but not before once more saying in unison:
“Yes, Mr. President.”
Reportedly, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi wrote a letter of apology to the Finnish president, asking for forgiveness for “making [the Finnish president] spend so much time with that piggish, lying idiot.”
“We’re doing our best to take our trash out more quickly, but, well, I had to wait until the right moment, politically,” Pelosi wrote. “However, please accept my deepest and sincerest apologies for making you spend so much time with that piggish, lying idiot.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
