Neil Gorsuch Promises To Interpret The Constitution ‘Fairly, For Corporate Citizens, Big and Small’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just a matter of hours after he was sworn in as an associate Supreme Court Justice of the United States, Neil Gorsuch told reporters he was looking forward to “looking out for the little guy like he’s never been protected before.”

Gorsuch, who officially replaces the late Justice Antonin Scalia on the bench, was appointed and confirmed after Senate Republicans couldn’t pass him over the 60-vote threshold every other justice has had to meet in the era of the filibuster. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) opted to use the “nuclear option,” which has, for now, permanently ended the ability of the minority party to filibuster any court appointments, though the legislative filibuster does remain intact for now.

“I cannot wait to get up on that bench,” Gorusch told reporters, “and interpret the Constitution fairly, for all corporate citizens, big and small!”

Mr. Gorsuch said that Scalia was a “major influence” on his view of the law.

“Justice Scalia was unabashed in his principles,” Gorsuch said, “and mostly those principles were, ‘Screw the little guy, subversively turn this country into a theocracy by insisting we hold fast to lifestyles from the 18th century.”

However, Gorsuch says that Chief Justice John Roberts has also “provided a guiding light” in his jurisprudence.

“I don’t know that I’d have had the guts to write that opinion where I said that a truck driver should have frozen to death or risked killing people on the road,” Gorsuch said, “if I hadn’t watched the high court, under Chief Justice Roberts’ close, watchful eye, give more and more power to corporate America.”

Justice Gorsuch said that “we live in a world where money is free speech”and “mega donors can just hide their money in SuperPACs.” He credits Chief Justice Roberts with being one of the leaders in that change to American politics.

“We don’t have that without Citizens United,” Gorsuch said, “and so I’m just so stoked to be working with one of the chief architects of that new paradigm.”

Before ending his press conference, Justice Gorsuch said he wanted to say just one more thing, which he had prepared himself, and was a “totally original and unique” thought of his own.

“I have a dream,” Gorsuch said, “that one day my corporate sponsors will be judged not by the politicians whose favor they curried, but by the content of the laws they forced legislators to draft and later me and my Republican friends on the bench to defend with pretzel logic. Don’t ask what your country can do for you, do not chop down Lincon’s cherry tree with a big stick! Speak softly, and remember the Maine!”

Senate Majority Leader McConnell could not be reached for comment, but he was seen behind Gorsuch during the press conference giggling quietly, drying massive tears that fell from his giant, wet eyes, and masturbating quietly but passionately, muttering, “That’ll show that black Democrat commie Muslim,” over and over.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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