For nearly as long as the theory of evolution has existed, scientists have been documenting the changes — big and small — that species have undergone over eons and eons of development. One thing that has eluded them, however, has been the proverbial “missing link” between humans and their genetic predecessors.
The missing link has eluded scientists, that is, until just his week.
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An excited Dr. Benson Horneydieux of the National Academy of Sciencery announced today that he and his team of researchers found the missing link. What’s perhaps most truly significant about Horneydieux and his team finding it, however, is that the missing link has been a sitting member of the U.S. House of Representatives since this January. Even more fascinating, Horneydieux now believes it’s possible the missing link might show that at least some humans descended from horses, not apelike creatures as has been widely believed for so long.
“It appears that a congressional district in Georgia may have unwittingly elected the missing link between horses and humans last year,” Dr. Horneydieux explained.
“However, because Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has been pretty reluctant to provide us with enough DNA samples for us to work with, we can’t really tell you how many generations removed from a horse she, and humans like her, really are. We have some contacts at Churchill Downs, though. Apparently she and Ann Coulter just did a race for charity there, so we’re hoping she left a couple strands of hair from her mane or tail that we can glean some DNA from.”
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The NAS will continue researching the link between humans and whatever species that Greene belongs to, Dr. Horneydieux promised.
“I think we have just really scratched the surface here,” Hornaydieux said.
“Clearly Rep. Greene isn’t quite human, and she isn’t quite horse. Interestingly enough, though, she’s all domestic terrorist. It makes us wonder if there was a special breed of equine humans who were super dumb, super violent, and afflicted with terrible hygiene and vocabulary. My team and I won’t rest until we’ve figured all that out.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
