MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The Federal Government of Mexico has sent an official communique to both houses of Congress, offering to shoulder the financial burden of “any national emergency that Trump can prove is real.”
“To the people of the United States of America and its duly elected Congress (not their highly-suspiciously elected so-called “president”),” the Mexican letter opens, “We, the people of Mexico, wish to officially offer you any financial assistance you require to pay for the current national emergency along our northern, your southern, border. Provided, of course, your alleged president can offer proof of its existence.”
Earlier this month, Trump declared a national emergency over funding for his promised border wall. Throughout the 2016 presidential campaign, however, Trump promised that Mexico would pay for the wall. Despite spin that a renegotiated NAFTA trade deal would provide funding for the wall from Mexico’s tariffs and taxes from the pact, the fact remains that to this day Mexico has remained steadfast in its denials of that request.
“In fact, not only will the people of Mexico pay for all the costs associated with this current national emergency, we will foot the bill for any national emergency during the Trump presidency,” Mexico wrote. “Provided, of course, that Mr. Trump can provide even a scintilla of evidence to back up any of his claims.”
President Trump received a copy of Mexico’s letter and reportedly was enraged. The president was so upset he called a hasty press conference but only invited “state run and/or friendly, positive, NOT FAKE NEWS” sources, as the press release from Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ office stated.
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“First of all, every emergency I call is real and true. That’s because everything that comes out of my mouth is true,” President Trump insisted. “I don’t care if it’s about the Bowling Green Massacre, seeing 1.2 trillion Muslims dancing on 9/11, or my stupid fuck son’s totally only about adoption meeting with Russians at Trump Tower. I am honest and forthright as fuck, fam!”
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Trump paused, squeezing a squeaking fart from his trousers. Trump chastised Huckabee Sanders for the fart and continued.
“If you don’t believe how honest I am, ask any of my friends I keep on my payroll! Seriously,” Trump asked. “Just ask Michael Cohen. D’oh! Wait. No. Ask Paul Manafort. He’ll tell you I’m — shit! Okay, I know. Talk to that Butina woman I met from Russia! She’s a real — SON OF A BITCH!”
After forty minutes, Trump came up with someone who could vouch for this “total honesty all the time.”
“John Barron, ask him. And if he’s too busy, ask David Dennison,” Trump insisted. “I never lie, and those two incredibly sexy guys with totally normal sized hands and average shaped penises will back me up!”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
