WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, former First Lady Michelle Obama closed out the first night of the 2020 Democratic National Convention — which is being conducted in an of-the-times manner, remotely and not in a big hall with a large crowd. In an often times emotional and equally fiery address to the nation, Mrs. Obama made her case both for former Vice President Biden, and against President Donald Trump.
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Mrs. Obama’s speech has so far received rave reviews, and reportedly another First Lady is hard at work practicing the exact same speech, hoping to duplicate or even improve upon Obama’s first run at it.
“First Lady Melania Trump is working with coaches and is diligently preparing to give Mrs. Obama’s speech again in a couple of weeks at our own convention,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters today. “Mrs. Trump is grateful that Mrs. Obama yet again gave a speech so good and so noteworthy that she has no choice but to plagiarize and pretend as if they’re her own words.”
McDitzydick batted away questions from reporters asking if it was appropriate for Mrs. Trump to give Mrs. Obama’s speech verbatim. This isn’t the first time such a subject has arisen. Back in 2016, it seemed that Mrs. Trump lifted segments, if not the entirety, of a speech previously delivered by Michelle Obama. Below is a side-by-side comparison done by CNN at the time.
“Of course it’s appropriate for Melania to steal Michelle’s speech. Melania is white, Michelle is black,” McDitzydick explained. “The same reason that Melania steals Michelle’s speeches it the same reason the president steals credit for Michelle’s husband’s work — he’s white and he can.”
McDitzydick explained that the Trumps are “merely participating in one of the oldest American pastimes.”
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“White people have been taking credit for black accomplishments and innovations for years,” McDitzydick said. “From jazz to rock and roll to hip hop to the economic recovery out of the Great Recession. If black folks do it in America, there will always be an opportunistic, shameless white person to steal all the credit.”
Not every resident of the White House was thrilled with Michelle Obama’s speech, however. President Trump was so outraged, enraged, and insulted that he has asked the Secret Service to arrest Mrs. Obama. The story was reported by our sister publication, Alternative Facts.
“This morning I have, after careful consideration while taking a dump and tweeting, decided to direct MY Secret Service to arrest Michelle Obama, immediately,” Trump said with anger in his voice. “Surely we can’t live in a country where someone can go on TV for the purpose of verbally beating the living shit out of a president, right? Surely we live in a country where I can punish people for speaking against me in such mean, horrible, nasty, ways, even if everything they say is completely true!” (AltFacts)
The Secret Service has declined thus far to follow Trump’s orders, however. In an unrelated note, White House doctors are saying they still do not have an ETA for when Mrs. Obama’s shoe can be safely removed from the president’s rectum.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
