DICK’S CREST, CALIFORNIA — The local McDonald’s franchise is, as their assistant manager described to us, “desperate to find employees” to fill vacancies left over from the COVID-19 global pandemic and domestic Democratic hoax. As the nation and the world struggled to contain the deadly virus, owner John Jackson decided that to dramatically scale down the number of employees his franchise employed, choosing to send people into the unemployment lines so as to not sacrifice his yearly profitability bonus from McDonald’s corporate headquarters.
California is not one of several Republican-controlled states that chose to end participation in federal extended pandemic unemployment insurance. Jackson says, despite not having any statistical evidence to back his assumptions up, that the extended unemployment is a “big and huge reason” as to why his franchise still has more openings than applicants.
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“I don’t get it. These people were making more to stay home, sure, but what about the dignity a hard six hours of manual labor and degrading customer interactions provides,” Jackson asked our reporter this morning. “We just want people to come in and apply for one of our character building and only moderately soul crushing, poverty wage jobs we have open.” We’re talking almost a dozen jobs that nobody’s taking! Can you believe it?”
Jackson blames the “political climate” and people “not appreciating the generosity it takes to pay someone a slave wage.” He argues that he shouldn’t have to compete with a labor market that has “made employees realize their actual self worth” instead of what he tells them they’re worth through their paycheck.
“Apparently minimum wage, no benefits, and an inconsistent schedule that doesn’t let you work enough hours to not need some kind of social program to feed your kids just isn’t enough for people anymore,” Jackson lamented. “The libtards are truly winning.”
Things are getting so desperate for Jackson that he decided to offer something to anyone who comes in and applies for a job making minimum wage.
“Look, I don’t like to bribe people into doing what they should, but clearly the Cancel Culture Millennial Antifa Squad Socialist George Soros mentality has really taken root,” Jackson complained. “So I’m offering a free SMALL fry to anyone who comes in and applies for the job. You come in, you apply, you get a free small fry. We’ll just take the cost of the small fry out of your first paycheck, no big whoop. Don’t sweat it — at cost, okay? We’ll eat the profit on your small fry, you freeloaders. Just come in and take one of our jobs, would you?”
Jackson says he’ll keep offering the free small order of fries to job applicants for the next few weeks, and take a “wait and see approach” to extending it beyond then, depending on the number of applicants he receives.
“I just wish there was something I could change about the jobs themselves to make them more enticing to people than collecting unemployment,” Jackson said. “I keep going over it in my head, and I can’t think of anything. Hopefully I’ll figure it out on my cruise next week.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
