Over the weekend, news broke that Senate Majority Leader and Satan’s Best Friend Mitch McConnell fell and injured himself. Reportedly, Senator McConnell fell in his home sometime this weekend. McConnell suffered a fractured shoulder after the fall.
“Luckily, Leader McConnell has the kind of insurance the plebs — excuse me, taxpayers — could only dream of, and he was taken care of without a thought in the world about payment,” a McConnell staffer told us. “Of course, the president offered to personally pay for the bills if it came to that.”
We asked if President Trump and McConnell were really good friends, if Trump would make such an offer to McConnell.
“President Putin, not President Trump,” the source told us. “President Trump couldn’t afford Cocaine Mitch’s rate.”
As part of our ongoing effort to not only report the news, but to give context, we decided to ask some every day Americans how they feel about McConnell’s fall and eventual recovery.
Cheryl McScoodieux, Stay at Home Taxidermist, Platt Falls, Oregon —
“Wait. So a full recovery? As in…he’ll be back at work? And by ‘work,’ of course I mean ‘doing nothing that actually helps average Americans.’ Are you serious? What if he were to accidentally get hit by a truck on the way back to work from his shoulder injury then? Can we arrange for that to happen? Pretty please?”
Burt Thompson, Off-Road Racer, Green Springs, Minnesota —
“So there’s like, no chance of him dying of an infected bruise at least? Why isn’t a fractured soldier treated with a lobotomy?”
Kelly Keiley, Dentist, Smithville, Washington —
“I consider myself a pacifist and I believe in nonviolence. I don’t want to create more pain and suffering in the world, and all I really want is for all of humanity to come together as one and tackle the problems that really threaten us all, each and every day. That being said, fuck Mitch McConnell and it really bums me out he didn’t break his goddamn neck, too. Poor people deserve a good quality of life, too, you dried up racist piece of shit. Still, get well soon, Mitch. Get well soon.”
Ralph Brigglesby, Teacher, Wilson, Rhode Island —
“This is just the absolute worst news of my life! 9/11 was terrible, but Mitch McConnell is like 9/11 fucked a lump of coal and had a wet-eyed tortoise love child. Are you totally positive he’s not going to have to retire and hopefully go and fuck himself forever and ever? Can you check one more time for me…please?”
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Merrick Garland, Centrist Judge, Washington, D.C. —
“Gosh…did poor Mitchell have a fall? Gosh, that’s just absolutely terrible! Broke his shoulder did he? Oh man, that’s just absolutely sad! So very sad! I’m curious though, how did he fall? Did Putin finally push Mitch out of his asshole into the toilet? These are the questions I have. Oh, and one last thing: Fuck Mitch McConnell. Garland, out!”
Senate Majority Leader McConnell’s office said he would not returning requests for comment. Doctors estimate McConnell will take a few weeks to fully heal. McConnell’s fellow Senate Republicans have chosen an interim leader for their conference — a loose leather pouch filled with dog feces and a Bluetooth speaker playing “Dixie” on a constant loop.
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