McConnell Blasts Dems for Wanting to Change the Filibuster ‘Like That A-Hole McConnell Changed the Filibuster’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — With control of the Senate resting a knife’s edge of a margin, it’s understandable, perhaps, that Democrats would be more keen to changing the filibuster rules.

Senate Democrats have been openly talking about a reform to the Senate’s filibuster rules in order to sidestep having President Joe Biden’s agenda stymied like the Republicans were able to do President Obama. As more and more progressive activists push Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer to “go nuclear” and assure the passage of the newly passed John Lewis Voting Rights Act. The Dems’ plan to scuttle the filibuster, at least temporarily, has been met with anger and criticism from the right, particularly from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY), who warned Democrats not to change the filibuster rules.

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“I have it on good authority that A-Hole McConnell messed around with the filibuster rules and jammed two Supreme Court justices onto the bench,” McConnell said on the Senate floor this morning, apparently referencing himself in the third person. “In American politics, few people are loathed and despised like that McConnell A-hole. My Democrat colleagues must ask themselves if they want to be thought of us poorly as that A-Hole McConnell.”

Sen. McConnell warned Democrats that they’d be “playing with fire” if they changed the filibuster rules at all.

“And believe me, if anyone knows about playing with fire, it’s the arsonist who set fire to the Senate to block the urban president from getting his Supreme Court picks and then to ram two conservatives onto the same bench,” McConnell explained. “I’m trying to help them. I’m trying to tell them that if they do this, they will be considered just as bad as that McConnell fucknut, and I know that they don’t want that.”

That’s when McConnell began to soil his pants.

“Another thing I would warn the Democrats against is trying to push a fart out on the Senate floor if you’re not sure it’s just a fart,” McConnell said, feces dribbling down his leg. “I can’t begin to tell you how detrimental it would be to the functioning of the Senate if a Democrat stood here and shit himself.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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