WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the most part, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) has made his reputation as a stalwart, stoic politician who doesn’t project much emotion, even in the most dire of times. On occasion, McConnell’s already extremely wet eyes have moistened with tears when he’s addressed on situation or another, however, and this morning on the Senate floor was one of those times. Leader McConnell could barely contain the emotion in his voice as he spat invective after invective at Senate Democrats for not supporting the coronavirus aid package he and his fellow Republicans have cooked up.
“I suppose that I’m a simpler man from a simpler time. I remember in this country when giving already rich white men a half-trillion dollar piggy bank to play with would have meant a ticker tape parade,” McConnell said at one point during his speech. “Clearly, my friends across the aisle have lost touch with the great American values of corporate greed and profit. I’m left to ask one simple question if they don’t support this relief package, one very simple question, indeed.”
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McConnell paused for a moment, clearly emotional. He took a sip of water. Then, McConnell pulled a lump of Kentucky coal out of his pocket and rubbed it between his thumb and forefinger of his right hand. Then, he rubbed it on his genitals. Aides say this is how the senator calms and relaxes himself.
“It’s a question that I think should reverberate in the ears and hearts of all good, clean, white, ammo hoarding Christian patriots,” McConnell opined. “It’s a question that I truly believe will haunt the Democrat Party for years to come if they don’t answer it the right way. If they don’t stop playing petty political games — and as someone who stole a Supreme Court seat from Blacky McNotaRepublican, I know a thing or two about political games — they’ll enrage a lot of Americans who want to do the right thing and make sure our corporate overlords can afford to buy that fourth vacation home they swore they’d get this year.”
It was becoming harder and harder for McConnell to hold back. Longer pauses and more coal rubbing kept creeping into his speech. Finally, with herculean effort, he got his question out.
“I…I just have to ask this,” McConnell said at last. “How dare the Democrats play games with the Republicans’ corporate slush fund in times like these?! It’s reckless. It’s dangerous. It’s quite frankly the worst thing I could think of them doing, and I keep myself awake most nights contemplating conspiracy theories about them, so I’ve imagined some really dirty, terrible stuff.”
McConnell warned Democrats they’re “playing with fire” and the “American people would never forgive leaving Fortune 500 companies out in the cold.”
“Now, maybe it’s because I’m a simple, Christian boy at heart,” McConnell waxed on, “but I have values. I believe in treating faceless corporate conglomerated monoliths the way you’d want to be treated. So, to me, it’s very simple. We set up a slush fund so that they can keep giving themselves bonuses. We give them a slush fund so that our Dear President and his lifelong mediocre children can raid it for themselves. We create a slush fund so that we send a signal to the board executives everywhere we still care about their feelings and stock portfolios.”
Senator McConnell was helped off the floor by staffers who wrapped a confederate flag around his shoulders and fed him small pieces of lettuce and shredded carrots. Another vote on a stimulus package is scheduled for later today.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
