VALLE DE CHINGANDA FAMILIA, ARIZONA — Six years ago, when he got married to his current wife, 46 year old Jared Incestuas took on the fatherly duties to his wife Stacy’s three children — two sons and a daughter. Jared jokes that he and Stacy “did a Brady Bunch” when they got married because he also had three children of his own — two daughters and a son. All six of the children were in similar age ranges, which had Jared and Stacy worried when they first decided to blend their families together.
“We thought of it as a big risk on some levels. What if our two oldest couldn’t get along, or our two youngest,” Jared told friends over dinner recently, “but for whatever reason, the kids have really gotten along. We couldn’t be happier or feel more blessed that it’s worked out so well.”
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But Jared wasn’t being completely open and honest with his friends, because for the last six months, he’s kept a secret, even from Stacy. When they got married, Jared’s stepson, Stacy’s oldest, was 11 as was his eldest daughter. Both are now seniors in high school, and looking forward to starting their college years soon. However, late one night a few months back, he discovered something that he and his eldest stepson have in common, and he’s not been quite sure how to handle it, how to address it, or even how to move past it and put it out of his mind.
“About six months ago, Stacy was out of town on a business thing, and so that left me at home with the six kids,” Jared told his buddies a couple nights later as they shot pool in the garage he converted into a man cave. “I was feeling kinda horned-up, but with Stacy out of town for a few more days, I only had one option — ye olde spankity wankity.”
So Jared got his laptop out and headed to his bedroom. Only, he found out in a few minutes that he’d grabbed the family laptop instead. He’d always wondered if he should get a different model for his own laptop or put some kind of sticker on indicating it was his, because when Jared when to pull his pud to and fro for a little bit, he discovered something that has shaken his relationship with his stepson to the core, though he’s not sure his stepson is even aware.
“I’m weirded out a little bit, yeah,” Jared admitted, “but I didn’t want him to feel weird about it. So I’ve mostly just been mulling it over in mind. What was I going to do? What, if anything, was I going to say?”
When Jared went to look for something to watch on Pornhub, he noticed that some of his favorite search terms were already in the window. But he hadn’t used Pornhub on this laptop yet. What was going on? Then, Jared realized what had happened. He had grabbed the family laptop, and that his stepson Max was the last one to use it, and so it must’ve been Max who searched “step-sister,” “step-daughter,” and “family fucking.”
“Oh…oh dear God…this is,” Jared started mumbling to himself, “exactly like the stuff I’ve been watching lately. I…um. Well. Uh. This puts a whole lot of things into a new light, doesn’t it? Holy…jeez.”
Jared told his friends he’s not sure if he’s supposed to talk to his stepson about what he saw, ignore it, or go sign up for counseling for the two of them.
“Suddenly I realized how weird it was for me to be watching porn about step-relations fucking when I had a house full of them,” Jared said. “I swear to God I was just watching what seems like literally the only kind of porn people are making these days, and I know full-well known of the actors or actresses are actually step-related to one another. But, I’m not sure Max can put all that nuance together, though. Obviously I have a lot of thinking to do.”
As of the time of publication, Jared had yet to tell Max about their shared pornographic tastes.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
