WASHINGTON. DC. — From inside The Gilded Lilly, a D.C. area restaurant, lobbyist Chad Ryan is dining on beef sliders made from cows so rare they cost $180,000 a pound in cattle markets. He washes down his sliders with $56 cocktails made from top shelf vodka and the tears of dolphins. Mr. Ryan agreed to sit down to an interview with us after he saw actress and comedian Rosie O’Donnell’s tweets from Tuesday night.
“It was just horrific and gross and so obviously corrupt, and it just made me so mad,” Ryan told us. “Because who the hell is Rosie to horn-in on my action, man?”
As Senate Republicans were rushing their massive tax overhaul through so it could go back to the House of Representative for one last vote before hitting President Trump’s desk, Ms. O’Donnell was furiously tweeting. She criticized every senator who voted for the tax package. At one point O’Donnell tweeted an offer of $2 million dollars to Sen. Susan Collins and Sen. Jeff Flake if they didn’t vote for the tax package. Ryan says that was “not only a clear violation of federal bribery laws,” but it was, more importantly, a “clear trespassing” into his line of work.
https://twitter.com/Rosie/status/943321322200944641
“You can’t just pay someone off for their vote, Rosie,” Chad screamed as he stuffed an escargot wrapped in bacon made from virgin pigs into his mouth. “Not until you register as a lobbyist anyway. Jeez, we all can’t go willy-nilly stuffing politicians’ pockets. We have rules, you know.”
As twelve freshly caught lobsters were brought to Chad’s table and boiled right in front of him by children from Spain who’d been purchased by The Gilded Lilly for sixteen million dollars per child, he explained that Ms. O’Donnell’s tweet was a “direct threat to law and order” and “sets a very dangerous precedent.”
“We can’t have just anyone handing money to congress people! That’s just an invitation to corruption,” Chad said. “And not the good kind of Constitutionally protected corruption that Citizens United promises my overlords — excuse me — employers.”
Chad worries that if Rosie isn’t thrown in jail immediately that it could “shake America to its very core.” He said her tweet was “an obvious bad bribe not a good one” like his job entails. When asked if he thought O’Donnell might have been being facetious to prove a point, chad waved that off as “naive whataboutism.”
“Since when do we allow people to bribe public officials so brazenly? No really, I want to know when we do that because I swear to God lobbying laws are really complicated,” Chad said. “And if we’re allowed just to outright bribe people, that really makes my life so much easier. It gives me quid pro quoner, if you know what I mean.”
Chad tugged at his crotch and stared right into our interviewers eyes for five straight minutes, and then threw six hundred dollar bills at him and said the interview was over.
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