Lincoln’s Ghost Offers to Take Trump on Tour of Ford’s Theater

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Donald J. Trump told Fox News host Martha MacCallum that in his estimation he’s been treated worse than another former president, it raised eyebrows all over America. Perhaps no one’s eyebrows were raised higher, however, than those belonging to the man who Trump compared himself to — former President Abraham Lincoln.

“I am greeted with a hostile press, the likes of which no president has ever seen,” Trump complained to town hall hosts Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum. (Talking points memo)

Though Mr. Lincoln has been dead for over 150 years — slain by assassin John Wilkes Booth — reports from the AfterLife are that Lincoln’s immortal soul was bemused, befuddled, and a little insulted by Trump’s implication. It’snot the first, second, or even tenth time that Trump has complained about being treated, in his estimation at any rate, worse than another president in history. In a country where no less than three presidents have been assassinated, it’s a curious complaint for some. However, Trump’s defenders point out to his utter his stupidity and out of control ego in all things as a sign of his intellectual and rhetorical consistency.

“He said what? Oh good God-holy-shit-Christ-amighty,” Sen. Lindsey Graham said first when asked about Trump comparing his treatment to Lincoln’s. “Yeah, okay, that’s pretty stupid. Though, to be fair, this president specializes in stupid, and doesn’t go more than a day or two without saying something dumb, so instead of attacking him for being a whiny little bitch, maybe we should praise him for being a whiny bitch so thoroughly and consistently?”

In an exceedingly rare development, Mr. Lincoln apparently broke through the metaphysical barrier between the living and the dead last night, and paid a visit to White House Grand Imperial Wizard and Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. Lincoln, the country’s 16th president, has reportedly offered to take Mr. Trump on a “field trip” to Ford’s Theater, where Lincoln had been attending a performance of Our American Cousin the night his life was cut short. Lincoln told Meadows he wanted to talk “First Republican President to Latest Moronic Republican President” and try to get the 45th president to “see reason.”

“Mr. Meadows, I know that a Republican of my time would not be a Republican of your time, but I implore you, one Republican to an alleged one,” Lincoln beseeched Meadows, “Convince your boss to go with me on a personally guided tour — call it a field trip if you want to get him excited about it — to Ford’s Theater. Maybe he can sit right in the very chair in the very box I sat in and then, I don’t know, I can just smack him in the back of his big, fat, mush filled fuckin’ head when he’s not paying attention and ask him if he thinks that’s more or less insulting than having his words quoted back to him by reporters. If he doesn’t think it is, maybe I can ask him how he’d fell if he was smacked by a bullet instead.”

Lincoln reminded Meadows that being murdered by a Confederacy sympathizing actor wasn’t the only hostility he faced, in fact his assassin was spurred on at least partially by the coverage Honest Abe got in certain news outlets. Lincoln was blasted by southern and even some northern newspapers for not having a pro-slavery stance, despite also, at first, not having a very strong public anti-slavery stance either. A tour of the place where he was shot dead, Lincoln thought, might help jar Trump back into a less hysterical point of view.

“Please, Mr. Meadows, I know that you and I would’ve fought on the opposite sides of the war,” Lincoln admitted, “but surely, even a man as comfortably familiar with the taste of both Trump’s rectum and his boot leather could see how incredibly dumb it is to say you’re treated worse than people who were straight-up murdered, can you not? I look forward to giving your boss a tour of the place where I was capped in the back of the head, something much worse than the worst that has been done to him. Thank you so much for your time.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.