WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though the American Bar Association once endorsed Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Court and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) called that endorsement the “gold standard,” the ABA issued a statement urging a delay on the confirmation process. Mr. Kavanaugh, who witnesses say smelled like alcohol from steps away, told the Senate Judiciary Committee he was offended and feels betrayed by the Bar Association.
“Do thosh fuckersh know how many of their establishmench I frequent every damn week,” Kavanaugh demanded from the Senate Judiciary Committee. One of Kavanaugh’s law clerks approached him, tried to get him to settle down, but he was not having any of it. “No! NO! NO! Let me shpeak, let me shpeak!”
Crushing a can of Budweiser on his forehead, Kavanaugh continued.
“Thosh fuckin’ ash-holes! I love bars! I haven’t seen a bar I couldn’t get ham-faced drunk in,” Kavanaugh said. “You know how-many-of these kids’ assholes I’ve put through college?” And these cucks are gonna come for me now? Pshhhhh. WHATEVER!”
Kavanaugh stood up and started shouting.
“YOU KNOW WHAT? NO! THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN TO ME, NOT TO BART O’KAVANAUGH,” Kavanaugh hollered. “YOU DON’T GET TO INTI-INTIMI-IMMITATE…SCARE ME OFF! I’LL JUST GO TO A DIFFERENT BAR ASHOWSHEEASHUN! MAYBE THE ONE IN RUSSIA CAN HELP ME! FUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK ALL OF YOU!”
Judge Kavanaugh started walking away and tripped as he turned around to flip off the committee. At the time of publication, Kavanaugh was seen passed out in the antechamber outside the Senate Judiciary Committee’s hearing room, vomit pooling at his shoes.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
