COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins was the first Trump supporter in his small Tennessee town, and he says that despite initial concerns he had about it, he feels confident he can also be just as ardent and early a supporter of President Vladimr Putin, and he’s not bothered by the pair’s eye raising summit and press conference yesterday in Helsinki.
“Hey, if Rand Paul can stick both those men in his mouth at once and debase himself like a cowardly little boot licking sycophant,” Jethro bemoaned to his podcast audience, “why the hell can’t I, fam?”
Bohiggins says that even as a devout follower of Ronald Reagan’s brand of Republicanism, he has to support Trump’s decision to cozy up to Putin.
“If there is one thing I have learned after being a Republican in the last forty years, it’s that we are every bit the cult of personality worshipers that we accuse Democrats of being,” Jethro said. “It’s just that we worship insane reality-TV dictators, war mongering dumbass sons of war mongering lying assholes, and B-list actors turned revanchist politicians, you see. Sure, maybe Putin is former KGB and the idea of Ronnie seeing America get so friendly with a Soviet murderer would freak him out, but you know, MAGA, FAM!”
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Jethro says that he is not only going to double-down on his support for Trump, he plans on doubling down on that support for Putin.
“So that means I’ll be doing quadruple support for President Putin, because I know that’s what Trump would want me to do, and in Trump I trust,” Bohiggins said. “And I gotta say, President Putin really rolls off the tongue, don’t you think?”
Jethro says he doesn’t deny that he has a very protective reaction over President Trump, and he says he can easily make room in his “heart and mouth” for Putin, as well.
“I got plenty of room in there, with as many teeth as I’m missin’ currently,” Bohiggins said. “I can suck off two authoritarians, as long as we’re owning the libtards!”
It’s a simple matter of loyalty, Bohiggins insists.
“And I ain’t talkin’ loyalty to your country. I mean, I love the United States with all my heart, almost even more than I love the Confederate flag for standing in direct opposition to that very same government I literally just expressed an undying, probably very sexual love for,” Jethro said. “But I was taught you’re loyal to your friends. And, well, our friend Putin got Trump elected, allegedly. Or at the very least the Deep State gave permission to Putin to help Trump win, so the friend of my unqualified man baby is my friend, know what I mean?”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
