As Attorney General, Jeff Sessions Promises To ‘Roll Back The 21st Century’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The man that Donald Trump wants to be the nation’s top attorney told attendees of a prayer breakfast this morning that he plans to “roll back the 21st century” and “restore the natural order of things” in his tenure.

Sen. Jeff Sessions, who was denied a Federal bench seat in the 1980’s because of racially charged comments he’d made as a lower circuit adjudicator, told those assembled at the D.C.-area Waffle Shack that he saw the push for states to legalize marijuana as a “direct affront” to the federal government’s “heavenly ordained mission to police personal morality.” Sessions didn’t take questions after the breakfast, but reporters were in attendance.

“As this nation’s Attorney General,” Sessions said while finishing up his chocolate chip waffle with extra syrup, whipped cream, and additional chocolate chips sprinkled on top, “I will fight the immorality of allowing adults to ingest a substance just because it’s been, quote-unquote, scientifically proven to be no more dangerous than alcohol or tobacco, and far less addicting than either substance.”

Sessions said that “real, red-white-and-blue patriots” don’t smoke pot. They drink beer, bourbon, and wine coolers, Sessions said. The Alabama Republican said that he’d never heard of a single, solitary pot smoker who “amounted to anything in their life.”

“What are liberals telling us,” Sessions asked rhetorically, “that you can smoke pot and, oh, I don’t know, become the most decorated Olympic swimming champion of all time? Become the first black president? Invent the Macintosh computer? Become one of the most celebrated astrophysicists in the whole world? Write the most world-renowned and recognized rock and roll music of the 20th century in the most important band of all time with three of your friends from Liverpool? Liberal hogwash, that’s what that is.”

Mr. Sessions pointed to the “unmitigated success” of the War On Drugs as his reasoning behind pushing to roll-back the progress made in individual states that have legalized marijuana use, possession and sale, whether for recreational or medicinal usage.

“Just look at our country since we started actively fighting our war on drugs,” Sessions said, “no one abuses drugs at all! You have to look long and hard for someone who is high on something. We definitely don’t pump our kids full of powerful narcotics, and there is no way in hell if you go to Wall Street right now that you’d find literally hundreds of people coked out of their minds. We won the war on drugs. At least as far as I can tell. Oh, and there’s, like, way fewer young black man out on the streets now, so that has to have some kind of positive impact on the crime rate, right? Oops. Is this mic still on? Ignore that part.”

Senator Sessions also said he’d “look into” rolling back marriage equality, the voting rights, and Roe Vs. Wade. He said that all those subjects should be “what states figure out themselves instead of having the federal government make sure they’re not discriminating unfairly.”

“I want to know just who told all these liberals that progress was a good thing,” Sessions said, “because it all depends on your point of view. If you’re a guy who thinks that terminating a pregnancy before the second trimester is clearly worse than Hitler’s Holocaust — and why the hell wouldn’t you? — then you have to view Roe vs. Wade not as a decision that finally gave women complete control of their own sexual reproduction like men have, but as a direct slap in Baby Jesus’ face.”

Sessions said he’d have two guiding principles as Attorney General — what the Constitution says, and “what the Bible says differently and better.”

“Let’s just face it,” Sessions said, “things like the separation of church and state are well intentioned, but they don’t let Americans use their religion to hurt other people. Even the Taliban gets to use their religious zealotry as a weapon. And I ask you this, if the Taliban have something, should Americans have it too, just out of a matter of principle? Of course they should. God Bless America, God Bless Mein President Trump, and God Bless me.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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