EL DORADO VERDE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Earlier this month, Attorney General Jeff Sessions made a visit to Sacramento and formally announced that the Trump administration is suing California over its “Sanctuary Laws.” In an unforeseen twist, a marijuana dispensary has reportedly mailed Mr. Sessions’ Alabama driver’s license back to him, after someone left it behind during the same time frame of Session’s visit to the Golden State.
“We sent the attorney general’s ID card back to him after we found it under the counter while cleaning up at the end of the day,” John Wilksmeyer, owner and operator of The Kind Tree dispensary told us via Skype.
Mr. Wilksmeyer told us that at first he and his staff didn’t believe they had found Mr. Session’s actual identification card. Neither Wilksmeyer nor his employees ever recalled seeing Sessions in the dispensary. However, they did all remember seeing a rather unusual guest come through the door.
“The weird thing is that none of us remember seeing him in the store that day,” Wilksmeyer said. “But we did remember meeting a short, little, super pale guy dressed like a Keebler elf who came in looking for some fun new strains to try. He really liked the ones named for old timey things like Sour Jim Crow and Lynching Lemon Haze.”
Sessions is a social conservative who has never wavered from his anti-pot position publicly. In the past, while serving as one of Alabama’s senators, Sessions once famously quipped that to him, “good people don’t smoke marijuana.” Sessions’ disagreement with legalized marijuana as a policy matter is another reason Mr. Wilksmeyer isn’t certain that the attorney general was in his storefront, but he still somehow ended up with Sessions’ ID.
“The guy is pretty much the living embodiment of a cartoon character in an anti-pot ad from the 1930s. Sometimes I half expect him to start warning white women about the dangers of being coerced into sleeping with black guys after they smoke weed,” Wilksmeyer said. “So, it’s hard to imagine him wanting to sample our goods. Then again, moral hypocrisy isn’t something that his party is afraid of. Which reminds me, that Keebler guy also bought an eighth of a new strain that’s only cured for 14 days, the Roy Moore’s Cream Dream.”
Attorney General Sessions did not respond to requests for comment.
James’ satire can be read on Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, and The Political Garbage Chute.
