CAPE FALLS, OHIO — Today is International Women’s Day, but for one local man, he wonders if it really should be.
Skip Reginald Bowls is known in his small Ohio town as the local douche. Skip’s the guy who argues with the volunteer umpires at his son’s Little League games over balls and strikes. Skip parks his raised F-150 truck in at least three spots, horizontally, every time he goes shopping so that “morons, cucks, and libtards” don’t ding its doors or scratch its paint. Mr. Bowls often gives unsolicited advice to his neighbors and friends about topics he has no formal training or education in.
Today, Skip was overheard at the hardware store chatting up the woman checking him out.
“Hey, I see you’re a woman, so I guess if I don’t say ‘Happy International Women’s Day’ to you I’ll probably get thrown in libtard jail or the un-PC gulag huh,” Skip asked the cashier.
The woman just stared blankly and asked Skip what he was talking about.
“It’s International Women’s Day today, don’t you know? Gosh, I thought the triggered fembots would put out the Feminazi signal and let all the vagina havers in the world know,” Skip said sarcastically. “Anyway, I’m sure if I don’t wish you a happy International Women’s Day you’ll probably report me to the Hashtag Me Too Army and have me thrown out of town, huh?”
Again, the cashier just stared at Skip.
“You know, it’s funny, but I don’t seem to remember ever taking a vote on whether one gender deserves a special day of recognition,” Bowls said. “Not that I’d honor the results of the election because as we all know democracy is pure evil and that’s why the slave holding, white elitist 24 year old men who wrote the Constitution made us a republic, which is totally different from a democracy, but not really because democracy is a broad term, but whatever, let’s not get bogged down in reality.”
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Once more, the cashier simply stared at Mr. Bowls. This time, though, she sighed. However, she just kept ringing him up.
“You have to wonder, too, why are we giving women their own day when there are only 364 International Men’s days every year,” Skip asked. “I mean, haven’t men contributed to society? Don’t we deserve to be treated specially every day of the year. That’s how it’s always been anyway, but now? Oh, now the ladies want their very own, special day? What a bunch of snowflakes.”
The cashier sighed again.
“Uh-huh. That’ll be $124.32, sir,” the cashier said.
Skip paid and then just before he wheeled his cart away from the checkout stand, he turned back to the cashier.
“You’re welcome for that knowledge drop, by the way. Feel free to pass that onto your friends if you want to force them to think for once, like I just did for you,” Skip said.
The cashier gave Skip the finger underneath her counter as he walked away.
“What a douche,” the cashier said to the next customer in line, who agreed that Skip is, in fact, a big douche.
You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.
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