“Why would we want to join a shit hole country that doesn’t even give us basic human health services like every other developed nation?”
When he was running to put himself back on his royal throne, and perhaps out of federal prison for the rest of his life, His Royal Highness King President Donald J. Trump didn’t make annexing Greenland a top priority. It was an idea the FartNapper in Chief floated during his first tenure in the White House, but many had assumed it, like a nuclear anti-hurricane defense system, was just a passing fancy Trump didn’t have any real intentions of pursuing.
However, since assuming control of the country’s executive branch in late January, Trump has made no secret of his intent to wrest control of the country away from Denmark. In fact, Trump recently ordered White House staff to only bring him donuts, Egg McMuffins, biscuits and gravy, pizza with a fork, Big Macs, Chicken McNuggets, and Chicken McNuggets tucked into Big Macs for breakfast, and to eliminate all danishes as a signal of his hostilities toward Denmark. Given that Trump is currently attempting to hold peace talks between Ukraine and Russia wherein his employer and friend Vladimir Putin would get to keep some or all of the territory the Kremlin illegally seized, many wonder if Trump’s ambitions for stealing Greenland like it’s charitable donations for kids with cancer aren’t very much so real.
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We spoke to Aivi Kreutzmann, who has lived in Greenland all her life. We asked her if she would consider her country becoming a territory under the U.S.’s jurisdiction something she’d look forward to. Her answer was as blunt as it was quick.
“Fuck fucking no.”
We asked her to elaborate.
“Do you think we Greenlanders want that tubby, sundowning racist old coot showing up with paper towels if the icecaps melt and cause our shores to rise? Do you think we want to get treated like Guam, or Puerto Rico,” Kreutzmann asked us.
“Even if you set aside what a liar he is. What a blatant criminal he is. How he cozies up to dictators and has his own little oligarch named Elon. Put all that aside, and you’re still asking all of us to give up a basic human right like healthcare. Why would we want to join a shit hole country that doesn’t even give us basic human health services like every other developed nation?”
The White House told us they’re already trying to pre-deport Ms. Kreutzmann.
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Give us another twenty minutes or so, would ya?!
