ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed a controversial anti-abortion bill into law earlier this week. The new law bans abortions in the state after which point a fetal heartbeat can be detected.
At the signing ceremony, Kemp said he is grateful to those “throughout Georgia who refused to be silent on this issue, who rejected the status quo, who believe, as I do that every baby has a right to life.” (NPR)
Critics of the law say it’s just an attempt to circumvent the landmark Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision and ban abortions prior to the established standard in that case, which is the medical viability of the fetus. Proponents of the law say it protects the rights of the unborn, and move the country closer to the authoritarian theocracy the Constitution guarantees, somewhere, probably in the back. Speaking at a prayer breakfast this morning, Kemp perhaps might have shocked some of his most ardently pro-life supporters when he let slip that he was considering adding an exception to the law which would allow abortions after a fetal heartbeat was detected, but it would take very special circumstances, Kemp said.
“Obviously as a white man I am in the best position to know how women everywhere should use their genitals in all ways,” Kemp said. “Because nothing says small government like a government small enough to fit inside your pee-pee holes. If we don’t impose our religious beliefs on every man, woman, and child, do we really live in the Home of the Free? And if we don’t turn our women-folk into defacto breeding cows, then are they really Americans?”
Kemp, sipped from a glass of water, and continued.
“Now, that being said, and while I truly do believe that every baby has right to life,” Kemp explained, “I find myself caring a lot less about those precious little baby lives if they’re little baby Democrats. That’s why I’m still mulling an executive order that would make an exception to our wonderful new abortion law.”
Governor Kemp says if a prospective mother is a registered Democrat, he’s willing to let those women have an abortion “pretty much whenever they want.”
“Because let’s face it, that baby’s going to grow up in a Democrat house with Democrat values, like rich people already have it well enough and we don’t have a right to tell another human being who they can love, where they can take a dump, or force them to carry a rape baby to full term,” Kemp said, shuddering. “They’ll have Democrat values like not keeping this country pure, Christian, and white! So in the end, if we save a ton of Democrat babies, we’re only making our elections that much harder.”
It’s a “matter of political strategy,” Kemp said, that made him consider this change to the abortion ban.
“If we haven’t learned by now that Trumpian politicians care first about winning the election by riling up our fundie base, then I can’t help you see the light,” Kemp told attendees. “So, yeah, I have to figure out whether my principles or my political career mean more to me. Spoiler Alert: You may not like the answer to that question.”
Though he says that he hasn’t made up his mind yet, Kemp concedes he can “accomplish the end goal without allowing any baby murder, even if those babies grow up to be inhuman mongrel Democrats.”
“I mean, sure, we could just vote suppress ’em again,” Kemp admitted. “But at some point if we keep saving them, they’ll outnumber us, and we won’t be able to disenfranchise ’em enough. That’s just kicking the can down the road, fam.”
The governor intimated that he’s most likely to achieve his goal of fewer Democrats voting in the state in a way that allows the heartbeat abortion bill to stay in place.
“My other option of course is to make it illegal for Democrats to vote,” Kemp announced, “which would let us take away even more constitutional freedoms, so that’s honestly where I’m heading.”
This is a developing story.
More Satire: Local Mom Hopes Her Teenage Daughter Dies A Hero At School Today
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
