Florida Nun Unsure If She’ll Be Arrested After Teaching Students About the Immaculate Conception

“It’s tough for me to know, legally speaking, if discussing statutory rape is kosher with the new law.” – Sister Mary Jane Yummipants

For the last twenty-eight years, Sister Mary Jane Yummipants has taught second grade at St. Joseph’s of the Sacred Sexual Predator Catholic School in Lake Stinknuts, Florida. Each of those years, Sister Yummipants has taught the class the story of the Immaculate Conception around Christmastime.

That was before the passage of Florida’s so-called “Don’t Say Gay” law, though.

MORE: Op-Ed: We Need to Leave Our Confederate Statues in Place, But Never Talk About Why They Exist

While critics have lambasted the law for what they say is an attempt to strip the existence of LGTBQ+ people from classrooms, Sister Yummipants says she wasn’t overly worried that the law would impact her classes. At least, that was, until Gov. Ron DeSantis’ lizard-faced press secretary, Christina Pushaw, defended the law. Pushaw, via right-wing disinformation hub Twitter, framed the law as “anti-grooming” and insisted  its aim is only to keep sexually suggestive or explicit content out of K-3 classrooms.

This weekend, Sister Yummipants gave an interview to NPR’s Rigsby Higgenbottomsworth, and hinted her lesson plan this December may end up giving Christ’s conception the heave-ho.

“Well, in all fairness, as much as I love and cherish the story of the Nativity, the simple truth is that Jesus’ conception, while immaculate, was also pretty non-consensual,” Sister Yummipants explained to Higgenbottomsworth. “It’s tough for me to know, legally speaking, if discussing statutory rape is kosher with the new law. It’s kind of hard to talk about Jesus’ birth without talking about how God conceived his son.”

Yummipants has retained legal counsel, and we spoke to Jake Elwood, one of the lawyers at the firm representing her, about the case.

“Our client hired us to cover her bases, legally speaking. She acknowledges that, for some, speaking about such a time as when a powerful being sexually assaulted a minor without her knowledge, let alone consent, would be the exact kind of age-inappropriate material Pushaw the Bearded Dragon Lady was mentioning,” Elwood explained.

“Our client has a vested interest in finding out if parents would object to the rapey way in which Jesus was conceived being taught to their kids in second grade. And if even it’s not rapey, we also concede that even discussing Mary’s alleged virginity is delving into topics of a sexual nature, and who knows how may parents actually teach that part of the Christmas story to their kindergarteners.

It’s just an abundance of caution, more than anything.”

MORE: Rep Greene Threatens to Impeach Biden for Not Loaning Secret Space Laser to Ukraine

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.