Fauci Confirms Rand Paul is a ‘Flaming Douchebag With Absolutely Shitty Hair,’ Medically Speaking

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Medically speaking, Senator Rand Paul (R-Ayn Rand’s Overrated, Overwrought Bootyhole) is a “flaming douchebag with absolutely shitty hair.” At least that’s true according to one of America’s leading and most influential medical experts, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

During a public radio interview this morning, Dr. Fauci was asked about his testimony before a Senate committee this week. During his testimony, Sen. Paul admonished Fauci not to consider himself the “end all, be all” on the subject of COVID-19 and the appropriate response to it.

“I think we ought to have a little bit of humility in our belief that we know what’s best for the economy, and as much as I respect you, Dr. Fauci, I don’t think you’re the end-all,” Paul said.

“I don’t think you’re the one person that gets to make the decision,” Paul continued. “We can listen to your advice but there are people on the other side saying there’s not going to be a surge and then we can safely open the economy. And the facts will bear this out.” (CNN)

Dr. Fauci, after listening to the Kentucky Republican’s insults and snide commentary, cooly replied to the senator’s request he not think too highly of himself.

“I’m a scientist, a physician and a public health official. I give advice, according to the best scientific evidence,” he said. “I don’t give advice about economic things.” (CNN)

Speaking to WQPR’s Mindy Montoya, Fauci said that he has “enormous respect for the fact that Senator Paul was an eye doctor or whatever,” but that he’s unsure why someone with a medical degree wouldn’t want to defer to someone who has specific expertise in the exact area that’s being examined. Fauci said if he “needed advice on where to get a shitty haircut,” he’d seek out Senator Paul, but if he wants advice on infectious diseases and how to handle them, he goes to his colleagues and “other people who don’t have an imperious king emperor president to please.”

“I don’t know what kind of person the senator is outside of that arena, I really don’t,” Dr. Fauci said. “So I can’t comment on whether his rude behavior is the result of the blunt force trauma of a neighbor doing what millions of us wish we could do, or if he’s just always that fucking stupid. I can’t really say.”

The only thing Dr. Fauci was willing to give his official, medically-trained opinion on, was whether or not Senator Paul is a douchebag, how much of a douchebag he is, and the overall quality of his hair.

“Look, I can’t really speculate too much on this. As a real man of science, and not a partisan hack obsessed with the fictional writings of a very overrated author who ended up cashing every Social Security check she was given,” Fauci explained, “I need to stay way from such behavior. But I can say that without a doubt, medically speaking, Rand Paul is a flaming douchebag with absolutely shitty hair. I base that on my years studying shitty hair and general douchebag biology. If someone has better data to show me, I’m here for it.”

Senator Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy jacking off to C-SPAN clips of himself “grilling” Dr. Fauci. In a snap poll conducted by CNN and We Poll You So Hard, Fauci leads Paul in a head-to-head matchup, were the doctor to challenge the senator for his seat when it comes up for reelection.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.