He Thinks Face Masks Are Tyranny. He Also Loves Trump’s Goon Squad. Doctors Don’t Know How He Lives Without a Brain.

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins will not wear a face mask in public. It doesn’t matter who asks him, or who even orders him to do so; Jethro views face masks as “direct and undeniable tools of government tyranny” and no matter how high COVID-19 cases in his state or even his city spike, he will not wear one.

“Look, y’all, this is very simple, okay? I’ll explain it to you,” Bohiggins said during a recent recording of his podcast. “The government ain’t got no rights to tell us what to do, period, end of sentence, okay? They can’t tell us nothin’, and any stupid fuckin’ business owner who tells you to put on a mask or they won’t serve you is just doing the bidding of the same tyrannical government we was just talkin’ about in my prior sentence just now, so fuck them extra-special hard, fam.”

Resisting government overreach, Jethro argued, is the “first and most important reason America even got started.” When protesters dumped tea into the Boston harbor, Bohiggins claimed, they were fighting against the same kinds of tyranny that face mask mandates impose. The Declaration of Independence and subsequently the Constitution, were written as “the final nail in the coffin of out of control governments,” Jethro believes.

“The government can’t be trusted. Not unless it’s fully, full-on Republican, of course. I wouldn’t even worry, really, about tyranny if they passed a law making it illegal to be a Democrat,” Jethro opined. “But we ain’t gonna get that any time soon, so that’s why good, clean, white, honest, God fearing, ammo hoarding patriots like you and me gotta stand up to tyranny in our own ways, patriots! Fuck masks! No masks now, no masks ever!”

Pausing to stuff an extra large wad of tobacco into his lip, Jethro then turned to the subject of President Trump’s Justice Department launching “Operation Legend.” As announced by the White House this week, Operation Legend will authorize federal agents — like the ones seen without identifying name plates and wearing camouflage in Portland, Oregon over the last several days — to enter Chicago, Albuquerque, and Kansas City. Critics have been raising alarm bells over this action, but Jethro says those criticizing Trump are “wrong as always” and “completely overreacting.”

“What, exactly, isn’t American or doesn’t adhere to American values about a squad of secret agents yanking people off the streets,” Bohiggins asked incredulously. “Due process? You wanna scream about due process and the Constitution? Maybe y’all should’ve thought about that before we got the gumption to do the shit we accused Obama of wanting to do for eight years! Maybe when you were all making us have to accept the fact that queer people exist so we should stop writing laws that pretend they don’t, we wouldn’t have had to hand over control of this country to a reality-TV star! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULTS, DON’T YOU GET IT?!”

Jethro then turned to another subject, which he said was “completely unrelated” to masks and federal agents yanking people into unmarked vans.

“Oh! Fam! I forgot to tell you this last week,” Bohiggins exclaimed, “but my doctor told me the last time I saw him that I am an O-Fish-ul marvel of modern medicine. It’s true! He said that he’s never seen a case of someone without a brain staying alive! He doesn’t know how it’s happening, but apparently my brain has been dead since about 1984, but my body just keeps right on living! I always knew we MAGAs were special!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.