The following editorial was submitted by Dustin Pewpsin, a Christian conservative podcaster. Mr. Pewpsin was recently appointed to the Tennessee Gender Inquisition Board, and hopes to have a Republican president create a similar investigation squad the next time they occupy the White House. The views and opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily those of this outlet or this management and staff.
I consider the day I was sworn into service with the Tennessee Gender Inquisition Board one of the highlights of my life. I stood there that day, shoulder to shoulder with Matt Walsh and Ben Shapiro as the first three warriors on a moral crusade to protect our children from playing sport against people whose genitals they haven’t personally verified. As I raised my right hand, I found myself beaming with pride that I would be able to make Tennessee safe to poop in public bathrooms without fixating on the crotch of the person in the stall next to you looks like, like all decent, God fearing American patriots do.
Some may accuse me of using my Christianity as a cudgel. They might tell me that I’m trying to force my biblical beliefs on a secular society. But they’d be wrong. Because even I know that the Bible doesn’t say jack-squat about transgender people, and one of its main protagonists was a man who had long hair and wore flowy robes and cute sandals. No, my desire to personally inspect every student athlete’s genitals isn’t about the Bible; it’s about keeping kids safe.
Safe from what? Safe from mutilation. We all know the only forms of pediatric genital mutilation allowed is circumcision. And that’s mainly just to make sure we look different than Europeans. It’s just about safety.
We conservatives are clearly the only ones who actually care about the safety of children. That’s why we want everyone who’s ever around a child to be carrying a gun at all times. School shootings are a problem, and that problem is made worse by the amount of guns that are on the streets, and just like the only way to stop a house fire is with a hand grenade, the only way to keep our kids safe from guns is more guns!
To me, keeping kids safe from LGTBQ teachers is no different than making sure every one of their teachers has an AR-15 in the classroom.
At the end of the day, it’s simple, really. I signed up for the gender inquisition board for the same reason I took my kids out of public school and put them in a private Catholic school — to protect them from being groomed. I was just telling Congressman Jim Jordan the other day I hope people don’t ignore this problem, because nothing is worse than when people in positions of authority ignore things, and he stopped giving Trump a handjob long enough to wink and smile at me.
As important as my work is with Tennessee’s inquisition board, I know our work must be expanded to al fifty states. So, please, America, let me see your kids’ junk. For their own safety.