NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Though his numbers are flagging as of late, 2016 Republican front runner Donald Trump is still comfortably out in front of his competitors in most polls. That doesn’t mean, according to Trump staffers however, that The Donald isn’t actively recruiting big names to lend an endorsement to his cause, and one group of people he’s really counting on for votes are American Douchebags.
“Douchebaggery is yooge in the Republican Party right now,” Trump told the press at a rally last week in Iowa, “from thinking of all Muslims as terrorists, to thinking of all immigrants as illegal and from Mexico, being a douchebag is essential to being a Republican, and I know how to be a douchebag probably better than anyone out there.” Trump said that is why famous douchebags are starting to flock to his campaign.
One such famous douchebag is America’s best quarterback, Tom Brady. Coming off a tumultuous summer himself, the franchise leader of America’s Favorite Cheaters, made headlines when a “Make America Great Again” hat — merch sold by Trump’s campaign and modeled by the man himself — and he said that Trump winning next year “would be great.” Though in the past day or so Brady has walked-back his near endorsement of Trump, another member of the American Douchebag class has gone all-in for Team Trump.
Willie Robertson — co-star of “Duck Dynasty” on A&E has switched his allegiance from the governor of his home state to Trump. “We reality-TV stars have to stick together,” Robertson recently told the media, adding, “no, seriously, it was in my TV contract that any other reality-TV star that ran for president I would have to endorse.” Robertson added that “it was just a nice coincidence that Trump is running” as a Republican, which Robertson is as well. Many will remember that Willie’s father Phil has gotten in hot water several times for public comments he’s made condemning same-sex marriage.
“Make no mistake it is an incredibly douchey thing to do to tell someone as an adult they can’t choose another adult to marry,” Trump told reporters about Robertson’s endorsement, “and so that makes Willie and his whole family great American douchebags if you ask me.” The multibillionaire told reporters that in the coming week he plans to reach out to every “douchebag, a-hole, moron, and dipshit” he knows to garner as many endorsements as he can because “people want to back a winner, and winners get endorsements, duh.”
Trump told the media his short list of endorsements he’d still like to get include people like the Kardashian family, prop comic Carrot Top, and Donald Trump, because “only the biggest of douchebags wouldn’t endorse themselves” and Trump “really, really wants to look like the yoogist douchebag possible” to inspire support in the GOP base.
“We already got Sarah Palin on board, and if Teddy Cruz wasn’t running, we’re pretty sure he’d be on Team Trump, as much as he’s been up my ass from the start,” Trump told reporters, “but you can simply never have too many high-profile douchebags supporting you if you’re a Republican. Douchebaggery is what this party is fueled by now, and being the winnerest-ass-winner you’ll ever see, I’m going to lock up every single douchebag’s endorsement, or my name isn’t Donald Fuckin’ Trump.”
With just over a year left before the election, Trump still is beating the Republican field handily, though in match-ups with Democrats he does far worse.