SOME CHINESE SOUNDING PLACE, CHINA — The totally real government of China released a totally legitimate statement to the world press today, perhaps dropping a bombshell on the scientific and political communities in the process — and admitted that they created the hoax known as “climate change.”
“Dear The World and Exspeshully That Super Cool, Smart, and Genius Guy President Donald Trump,” China’s letter begins, “After much soul searching, we have decided to admit that God Emperor Trump was correct all along — climate changes is a total and complete bigly hoax.”
The Chinese letter was written in orange crayon, and some who have seen it are wondering why it was written in English on the official letterhead of the office of the President of the United States of America. Others have wondered why there’s a big name scratched out at the bottom of the letter with the words “Government of China, or Whatever” written underneath.
“Just to reiterate, this is totally the Chinese government sending this super-duper official China-ish proclamation and admission of making up climate change completely,” the letter reads. “In no way, shape, or form, did anyone — even someone with a totally normal looking, shaped, and sized penis who also has very normal sized hands — have any undue influence on the writing of this letter. We totally did this on our own — and by ‘we’ of course we’re referring to the actual, honest to God government of China.”
The Chinese government apologized for “letting a fun prank get away” from them, and not doing more to rein in the rumors after it had.
“We feel really bad. All we wanted to do was have a little fun and make up a little global human calamity,” the letter states.
Reached for comment, the White House said they were “extremely pleased with the totally unforeseen and impromptu admission of guilt” contained in the letter.
“Obviously, this very real and very authentic letter vindicates the president for his years of saying that China made up climate change,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters in front of the White House this morning. “He’ll be expecting hand-written apologies from every American who laughed at him because they said he was saying something extremely untrue and stupid when he said that. Please have them on his desk by noon tomorrow, or there will be hell to pay.”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
