Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Obama’s Gun Confiscation Count: Week #345

ZOMG! He's coming for your guns...we think...maybe. Probably. If it all works out.

Bummed-Out Bobby Jindal Arrives 24 Hours Too Late to Kim Davis Rally

Bobby Jindal missed the big Kim Davis rally, and he has a sad over it.

Mike Huckabee To Offer Kim Davis New ‘Secretary of Christianity’ Cabinet Role

Mike Huckabee and Kim Davis are besties, and now can the Huckster get a new job?

Jesus Christ Denies Kim Davis’ Emergency Request for Miracle

Kim Davis has another emergency appeal -- this one to Jesus Hubert Christ -- denied.

‘Old Testament’ Oregon Judge Refuses to Marry Couples Who Have Eaten Pork, Shellfish

Judge Vance D. Day in Oregon has been refusing to marry same-sex couples; one of his colleagues has a response.

President Lindsey Graham Would Build a Wall Around a Wall Around a Wall

If Lindsey Graham, what kind of wall would he put up to keep the Mexicans and other foreign people out? A Triple Wall, of course.

Cruz and Paul Defend Kim Davis, Because They’re ‘A-Holes Extraordinaire’

Rand Paul and Ted Cruz both think Kim Davis should be allowed to discriminate based on her own religious views, because they're not bigoted at all.

Religious Zealot Explains Why She Believes Clearly Doctored Videos About Planned Parenthood

One woman explains why forensic evidence debunking the Planned Parenthood videos doesn't mean "two crusted rat craps" to her.

America’s Greatest Chicken Hawk Still Totally Proud of Illegal, Pointless War

Dick Cheney gives zero effs about what your opinion on the Iraq War.

Libertarian Chooses Living at Home Over Minimum Wage Job

One young libertarian explains why he's not a hypocritical neophyte dummy.