Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Ted Cruz: Mars Water Supply Proves Girls Go To Jupiter to Get More Stupider

There's water on Mars and Sen. Ted Cruz believes it means something universal about life itself.

Republican Man Can’t Wait to See Which D-Bag Replaces Boehner

Who will be John Boehner's successor? One Kansas man is beside himself with anticipation.

Carly Fiorina Fondly Remembers Breaking NFL Rushing Yards Record

Carly Fiorina tells another tale of tremendous grandeur.

Obama’s Gun Confiscation Count: Week #348

Will the tyranny of Obama's Gun Confiscation ever end?!

D.C. Area Bars Honor John Boehner’s Tenure By Lowering Cocktail Napkins to Half Staff

John Boehner gets a loving tribute from the Americans he helped most -- bar owners.

22-Year-Old Facebook Libertarian Defends Martin Shkreli Because ‘Free Market’

Martin Shkreli tried to gouge extremely sick people by jacking up their drug costs, and one young libertarian sees nothing wrong with that.

Jealous Putin Invites Vice-Pope to Kremlin For Karaoke

Vlad Putin doesn't like that Pope Francis visited the U.S. first, but he has an almost as good visitor coming to his country soon.

Koch Brothers On Hold With Customer Service For Scott Walker Refund

Charles and David Koch may have some buyer's remorse over Scott Walker, now that he's dropped out of the presidential race.

J. Hubert Christ: Heaven’s Email System Downed By Flood of Prayers for Bernie Sanders Victory

Jesus Christ says all the prayers about Bernie Sanders' campaign have broken his company's electronic prayer request system.