GULF OF MEXICO — Over the weekend, a U.S. Navy fighter jet carried President Barrack Hussein Obama onto the deck of the U.S.S. Theodore Roosevelt, where the president exited the jet, still in his flight suit, and approached the podium that had been set up on the deck of the Roosevelt.
“I’ve come here today, my fellow Americans, to declare our Jade Helm 15 operation a rousing, unmitigated success,” Obama said enthusiastically, adding, “mission accomplished everyone, mission accomplished.” Obama would later declare victory over the entire state of Texas, revealing that the military training exercises that touched off great alarm among the state’s numerous militias and with the governor’s office as well, as designed as a “masterful stroke of trolling” and that he “couldn’t stop laughing” as he saw “roving bands of wannabe soldiers and backyard commandos” flooding to the Texas border to keep an eye on the military training exercises.
Despite being assured by many sources that the Jade Helm operation was very routine and they had nothing to worry about, President Obama said he was still “quite pleased to see how easy it is to whip up paranoid conspiracy theorists into a frenzy.”
“I know that some might blanch at me playing the role of Troll in Chief,” Obama said during his brief speech from the aircraft carrier deck, “but you know I’ve only got about a year left of this shit, and YOLO!” Obama said he “knew all along” that “certain people in Texas just wouldn’t be able to resist turning Jade Helm into a big, scary conspiracy” and that sometimes “it’s fun to entertain the rest of the country at the expense of a very vocal minority.”
Obama told the small crowd of sailors on the ship’s deck that “the U.S. military has had some ups and downs” and that “it’s been more downs than ups lately.” However, said Obama, “everyone who took part in this masterful stroke of humor and military supremacy should be very proud of what they accomplished with Jade Helm.”
“It’s not every day that you can do something really simple like hold a routine training exercise and cause the commotion we did,” Obama said, adding, “bravo, ladies and gentlemen, bravo.” Obama also said that “of course we were never going to actually seize Texas and take control of the state” but that “sometimes the only way to teach people a lesson is to embarrass them into learning it.”
“What kind of fool would think we’d have any interest in a hostile takeover of Texas,” Obama asked, “we already give them an assload in tax money every year, what would be the point of taking them over? Don’t we pretty much already own them anyway, despite their blustery rhetoric to the contrary?” President Obama said that he will not rule out other trolling operations, either against Texas or any other state that “has an overwhelming number of state militias that are spoiling for a fight against their own duly elected government.”
Obama said that “every American has a right to think and feel whatever they want, no matter how dumb,” so he doesn’t support any measures that move to censor or silence conspiracy theorists. “What’s the point in censoring them, when you can just make them look like idiots instead,” Obama asked rhetorically.