Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

CNN Constructs Silo to Store GOP Debate Bullshit

Ahead of tomorrow night's GOP Debate, CNN has taken big steps to prevent toxic bullshit seepage.

Ted Cruz Wants to Replace Donald Trump as the GOP’s Leading Douche

Senator Ted Cruz really hopes Republican voters think he's douchier than Donald Trump.

Dumb, Failing, White UT Student Thinks Justice Scalia Is Totally Right About Affirmative Action

One white kid agrees with Justice Scalia on Affirmative Action, though he's not quite sure why.

Obama’s Gun Confiscation Count: Week #357

Will the onslaught of Obama's Gun Confiscation take your beloved peacemaker from your warm, alive hands this week?

Trump: Orlando Shooting Proves Second Amendment Should Not Apply to Muslims

Donald Trump proposes updating the Second Amendment.

Wayne LaPierre Wants 10 Gun Limit For Suspected Terrorists

NRA exec Wayne LaPierre unveils his group's new proposal for suspected terrorists and firearms.

Trump’s Polling Numbers Surge After He Punches Imam ‘In the Taco’

After Donald Trump punches an Islamic cleric "in the taco," his polls numbers bounce upward.

Alabama Republican “Much More Interesteder” in Trump Following Incestuous Comments

After Trump implied he might like to have sexual intercourse with his daughter, one Republican says he'll support The Donald to the end.

Chief Justice John Roberts Wonders When He Can Stop Pretending to Care About Black People

Chief Justice John Roberts while eating at Denny's clarifies comments he made in a hearing on Affirmative Action.

President-Elect Donald Trump Proposes Halal-Friendly Ovens At All Immigration Centers

Donald Trump's got a new idea for making Muslim immigrants feel at home.