FDA Rushing Approval of Antidote to American Islamaphobia

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dr. Chris Cooper, one of the Food and Drug Administration’s top officials, told reporters at a press conference this week that the FDA is “rushing as quickly as possible” to get a new drug approved for immediate use in The United States, and in what is likely an unprecedented move, the drug will be approved for generic and over the counter versions at the very same time, bypassing Federal drug patent laws.

“We don’t have time,” Cooper said, “to dilly dally. There is a vital need for this drug, and we will do our damndest to get it into the American people’s blood stream as soon as possible.” The drug that Cooper says the FDA is pushing so hard to get to market quickly is so new that many reporters hadn’t even heard of its development until this point. They peppered Cooper with questions about the medication.

“This is a pill,” Cooper said, “that you give to Americans to make them less bigoted towards Muslims.” Cooper said the ultimate goal of the drug is eradicate American Islamaphobia that “threatens to weaken the American ideal of Freedom of Religion” and also “makes radicalization easier” by Daesh, but that at first they were just hoping to make some of the louder Islamaphobes “shut up for a bit.” Republican front runner Donald J. Trump is on the FDA’s short list of people who need the drug “right away, like yesterday,” Dr. Cooper said.

One reporter from The Wakefield Gazette asked Dr. Cooper how the drug actually works. “What it does,” Cooper explained, “is that it reaches inside your brain and extricates it from your rectum, chemically.” Dr. Cooper said researchers at Mercer Medical School in Atlanta, Georgia discovered the cranial-rectal link between Islamaphobes earlier this year and began immediate testing on an antidote for the condition. “It was really touch and go there for a bit,” Cooper told the reporters, “but those fine folks down at Mercer knocked it out of the park.”

“If we don’t get this out to market soon,” Dr. Cooper admonished, “American Islamaphobia could reach pandemic levels, and that’s exactly what Daesh is praying for, actually.” Cooper said President Obama himself personally called and asked him to spearhead the effort to get the drug ready for distribution because according to Cooper, Obama told him, “The more rampant and irrational the fear, the better” for Daesh.

The drug is called DeBigofy and it will be available by prescription, over the counter and in various lottery ticket machines throughout the country. “We hope that no matter how you get your health care in this country,” Cooper said, “that you will find this drug easily and readily available to you. Otherwise, we could seriously be looking at President Donald J. Trump in our near future, and no one deserves a fate so cruel and diarrhea-tastic.”

Those who worry about a drug being rushed to market without a long testing period have nothing to fear, Cooper said. “The great news is that the only side effect,” he told the media, “is that you stop being a closed-minded scaredy cat. It also doesn’t interact with either Bud Light or hamburgers so the overwhelming majority of American adults in red states should be able to take this drug with confidence.”

This story will be updated as it develops.

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