Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

President Trump Designates Trappist-1 Solar System As Construction Site For Death Star

The newly discovered exoplanets in the TRAPPIST-1 solar system will be the construction site for a new American battle station.

Trump’s Obamacare Replacement Will Be Ready When His New Magic Markers Arrive

Co-President Donald Trump announced that he was just waiting for some key supplies to arrive before finishing up his Obamacare replacement.

Obama’s Anxiety At Peak Levels After Not Having Grabbed A Single Gun Since Leaving Office

Even a well-deserved vacation can't keep former-president Barack Obama from feeling empty inside, not grabbing guns anymore.

Donald Trump Still Searching For ‘That Perfect Racist Joke’ To Open His Address To Congress With

When he addresses Congress tomorrow, Donald Trump knows he needs a really good zinger to break the ice with.

Mahershala Ali Briefly Detained By ICE Outside Vanity Fair Academy Awards Party, His Oscar Was Free To Go

Best Supporting Actor winner Mahershala Ali was briefly detained outside a post-Oscars party while his award with a white-sounding name was let in.

Stephen Miller Shocked To See His Own Reflection In White House Mirror

Stephen Miller was not pleased when he looked in the mirror and saw to his shock and dismay, Stephen Miller staring right back at him.

Obama Volunteers To Take Trump’s Place At Correspondents Dinner To ‘Show Him How Real Presidents Take Criticism’

If President Trump just doesn't feel like doing the White House Correspondents Dinner, there's one guy with experience who could fill in.

Trump Finds Evidence Of 3 Trillion Illegal Votes Underneath Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate In White House Vault

Co-President Donald Trump may have just cracked two cases that have been driving the sub-commander in chief batty for some time.

Out Of Toilet Paper, Trump Uses The First Amendment To Wipe His Gigantic, Disgusting, Orange Ass

It was a tense few moments, but luckily Donald Trump had the First Amendment handy and could wipe his butt with it.

Bannon In Negotiations To Commission Clone Army To Round Up Mexicans And Deport Them

If he can't get the National Guard to do it, President Steve Bannon has another idea to start the process of mass deportation.