Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Paul Ryan Worried Congress Can’t Destroy The Middle Class Fast Enough With All The Trump Distractions

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan really wants to do the job he was elected to do, but all of the distractions from the Trump camp are gumming up the works.

President Trump Orders The Statue of Liberty’s Torch Blown Out

To save money and discourage immigration, President Trump has ordered the torch carried by the Statue of Liberty blown out.

President Trump Will Go On Publicity Tour With Widow, Body Of Dead SEAL Killed In Yemen Raid

The body and widow of slain SEAL Ryan Owens will accompany Co-President Trump on a tour of the country, whipping up support.

President Trump Designates Trappist-1 Solar System As Construction Site For Death Star

The newly discovered exoplanets in the TRAPPIST-1 solar system will be the construction site for a new American battle station.

Trump’s Obamacare Replacement Will Be Ready When His New Magic Markers Arrive

Co-President Donald Trump announced that he was just waiting for some key supplies to arrive before finishing up his Obamacare replacement.

Obama’s Anxiety At Peak Levels After Not Having Grabbed A Single Gun Since Leaving Office

Even a well-deserved vacation can't keep former-president Barack Obama from feeling empty inside, not grabbing guns anymore.

Donald Trump Still Searching For ‘That Perfect Racist Joke’ To Open His Address To Congress With

When he addresses Congress tomorrow, Donald Trump knows he needs a really good zinger to break the ice with.

Mahershala Ali Briefly Detained By ICE Outside Vanity Fair Academy Awards Party, His Oscar Was Free To Go

Best Supporting Actor winner Mahershala Ali was briefly detained outside a post-Oscars party while his award with a white-sounding name was let in.

Stephen Miller Shocked To See His Own Reflection In White House Mirror

Stephen Miller was not pleased when he looked in the mirror and saw to his shock and dismay, Stephen Miller staring right back at him.

Obama Volunteers To Take Trump’s Place At Correspondents Dinner To ‘Show Him How Real Presidents Take Criticism’

If President Trump just doesn't feel like doing the White House Correspondents Dinner, there's one guy with experience who could fill in.