Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Changing His Name Back To Lew Alcindor To Skip TSA Scrutiny

The TSA has been stopping Americans with Muslim-looking names so this NBA Hall of Famer wants to change his name back to what it once was.

G.E., Kellyanne Conway Announce New “Spy-crowave” That Shoots 4k Video, Takes 128 Megapixel Pictures

General Electric and Kellyanne Conway teamed-up to announce a brand new line of special, high-tech spying microwaves to shareholders today.

Conway Caught Freebasing Chemtrails In Tinfoil Tent, Ranting That Bowling Green Was An ‘Inside False Flag’

When her friends and colleagues recently staged an intervention, Kellyanne Conway was caught in a compromising position.

Mexican American Muslim Soldier Says He’ll Keep Defending America Despite Steve King’s Bigotry

Congressman Steve King is a bigot and white supremacist, but that won't stop one Mexican American Muslim from defending his right to be a bigot.

Trump Orders Poor Americans’ Bootstraps Shortened So One Percent’s Can Be Longer

If your poor, Republicans want you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but Trump wants those bootstraps shortened a bit.

Kellyanne Conway: “That Secret Kenyan Communist Darkie Is Behind Everyone Disrespecting The President!”

Kellyanne Conway thinks people are showing disrespect to her boss, and she's pretty sure the guy her boss disrespected for eight years is to blame.

ICE Agents Arrest, Move To Deport Anchor Fetus

Federal agents in California have arrested and will now move to deport the youngest undocumented life form in U.S. history.

DeVos, Pence Want To Give Teachers The Freedom To Teach Their Classes In Tongues

Secretary of Education DeVos and Vice-President Mike Pence want to give teachers the ability to each in any language - or tongue - they want to.

Scientists Discover Space Time Continuum Runs In Dog Years Since Trump’s Inauguration

A new study released this week shows preliminary results that may indicate Co-President Trump is having a profound effect on space and time.

Sean Spicer To Start Using Hooked On Phonics Before Every Press Briefing

A new phonics program has been acquired by the Bannon administration to help Sean Spicer get over his tendency to trip over easy words.