Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

God Tells Michele Bachmann If The Anti-Christ Were Real He’d Be The ‘Narcissist You Voted For’

Former congresswoman Michele Bachmann and Larry "God" Schumway have very different opinions on what true Christianity looks like.

Hitler Distances Himself From Sean Spicer’s Comments About Hitler

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said something about Hitler so stupid that Hitler himself is distancing himself from Spicer over it.

President Trump Considering Switching Air Force One Out For a Jet From the United Fleet

Recently embattled United Airlines may get an unexpected boost from an unlikely, orange, racist, xenophobic, disgustingly out of shape ally.

Gorsuch Says He’s ‘Honored and Humbled’ To Have The ‘Full Faith and Confidence’ of the Kremlin

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch told reporters that he is happy to be trusted by both of the presidents who had a hand in his selection.

Defiant Trump Says He Doesn’t Have a Doctrine Because He’s Not Licensed to Practice Medicine

Without a license to practice medicine in any state, President Donald J. Trump is angry and confused why he keeps getting asked about his "doctrine."

Conway Corrects Trump After He Thinks He’ll Be Hunting Women’s Genitalia At WH Easter Egg Hunt

Co-President Donald J. Trump had to be corrected by his adviser Kellyanne Conway when he got the details of the White House Easter Egg Hunt confused.

Trump Wants ICE To Hire United Security That Forcibly Removed Passenger From Overbooked Flight

Not only does Trump see nothing wrong with how United handled its overbooking problem, he wants the security guards hired by ICE.

Syrian Fetus Asks To Be Put In American Uterus So GOP Will Care About It Until It’s Born

A very young Syrian refugee wants out of its home country. But knows that America is weird right now, and it has a plan to get around that.

Neil Gorsuch Promises To Interpret The Constitution ‘Fairly, For Corporate Citizens, Big and Small’

Newly minted Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch told reporters he's going to interpret laws in ways the look out for big and little corporate guys.

Susan Rice Stops Robbery, Republicans Worried She Violated Thief’s Right to Privacy

When she accidentally stopped a robbery, did Susan Rice also violate an alleged robber's right to privacy when she gave cops his ID?