Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Trump to Hold Seance, Contact Dead Parents, and Ask Them to Make His Job Easier

After a really rough first 100 days of his presidency, marred by scandal, conflicts, and incompetence, Trump needs his mommy and daddy.

Trump Calls for ‘That Big Crack in Arizona’ to be Sold for Profit and Converted Into a Landfill

President Trump's review of national parks and monuments has already turned up one for the chopping block -- the Grand Canyon.

Donald Trump Really Happy President Donald Trump Wants to Slash His Taxes, Give Him Millions of Dollars

When Donald Trump saw the details of President Donald Trump's tax plan, he got wet with anticipation of all that sweet moola.

Jesse Watters Tells Fox News Audience Bill O’Reilly Left Him ‘Big Shoes to Fill and Huge Boobs to Grope’

Following in his mentor's footsteps is proving to be kind of difficult for the newest Fox News star, Jesse Watters. Sad. So sad.

State Department Website to Begin Offering Tours of The Kremlin

The Donald Trump administration is trying to break new ground constantly, including when it comes to how the State Department's website functions.

To Remind Scott Baio That Cancer Exists, God Renames It “Scott Baio”

God and Jesus aren't really big fans of Scott Baio after the actor made some rather insensitive comments about a former co-star's death.

Trump Declares Today “Bang! Your Daughter at Work Day”

Will a new effort to reach out to every daughter in America help restore President Trump's largely sexist reputation? He hopes so.

Trump Boasts His “Face the Nation” Interview Got Higher Ratings Than Liberating Auschwitz Would

President Donald Trump believes his "Face the Nation" interview ratings prove he's more popular than liberating a Nazi death camp.

Poll Shows 96% of Trump Voters Still Not Sure What’s Outside Their Own Rectum

New polling data seems to suggest and also confirm what most people have presumed about Trump voters for quite some time.

Trump Has Ivanka’s Cabinet Seat Removed and She Will Sit on His Lap Instead

First Lady Ivanka Trump will have a new place to sit when Daddy lets her run the meetings in his fancy-shmancy cabinet room!