Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

White House Staff Can’t Get Smell of ‘Gun Powder, Chewing Tobacco and Stupid’ Out of Oval Office

When Sarah Palin, Kid Rock, and Ted Nugent visited their new fuhrer in the White House, they left behind something foul smelling.

With O’Reilly Gone, Sean Hannity Hopes To Get Much More One-On-One Time With Trump’s Dick

With Bill O'Reilly no longer at Fox, Sean Hannity is really hoping to get some special, one-on-one time with President Trump.

Bill O’Reilly Seen Filling Out Employment Application at Hooters

Former Fox News icon Bill O'Reilly is in desperate need of a new gig, and might be looking in some surprising places for it.

Donald Trump Jr. To Undergo Plastic Surgery For ‘Chronic Jizz Face’

Donald Trump Jr has a rare but horrifying condition that he has reportedly agreed to undergo a new plastic surgery procedure to remedy.

President Trump Asks if He Can Command Navy With Battleship Board Game Instead

After seeming to lose track of where the USS Carl Vinson was actually heading, President Trump has asked if he can direct the navy in a new way.

Attorney General Sessions Agrees to Update His Anti-Marijuana Rhetoric Four Decades to the 1970s

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is trying to bring a little modernity into his anti-marijuana language and positions. Will it work?

Trump Appoints David “Avocado” Wolfe FDA High Wizard Chieftain of Raw Foods and Woo

President Donald Trump has tapped nutritionist David Avocado Wolfe for a new and important role at the Food and Drug Administration.

Mike Pence Demands Fox News Carry Bill O’Reilly’s Contract to Full-Term

Fox News is about to terminiate Bill O'Reilly from their airwaves, and that has Vice President Mike Pence in a hot, foamy lather.

Trump Pledges to ‘Buy American Wives and Hire American Prostitutes’ From Now On

Apparently, Mr. Trump believes that "Buy American, Hire Americans" should pertain to everyone and every occupation and industry.

Second Lady Nudges Him Again, But President Trump Remains an ‘Orange, Tiny-Handed, Oligarchic Shit Bag Troll’

After seeing Second Lady Melania nudge President Trump to get him to do something, his staff hatches a plan to curb some of his behavior.