Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Toni Lahren Hard at Work on List of Acceptable Ways for Black People to Protest Abuse

Fox News vapid blonde fuckmuppet contributor Tummy Lahren doesn't like it when people of color have opinions that aren't her opinions.

Cassidy, Graham: Kimmel’s Son Should Be ‘Shoved Back Up His Mama’s Baby Chute’ If He Wants Republican Sympathy

If Jimmy Kimmel wanted Republicans to care about his son's plight, he should have shoved him back inside his mother. Duh, Jimmy!

Trump Supporter and Tabasco Lahren Agree: Only Welfare Taking Moochers Burn American Flags

Tammy Lahren recently implied that only people on welfare burn the American flag in protest. On a popular conservative podcast, the host agreed.

Trump Signs Trade Deal With Nambia To Triple Annual U.S. Covfefe Imports

Everyone knows the world's top exporter of genuine covfefe is Nambia. Now, the Trump administration will bring in more covfefe than ever.

Mexico’s President: “When America Sends Its Condolences, It Doesn’t Send Them From Their Best”

After an earthquake devastated Mexico yesterday, Trump sent his condolences. Which Mexico was happy-ish to accept...kinda.

Super Rich, Racist, Fat, Orange, Fuckface Billionaire Using Other People’s Money to Pay His Smarmy Slimebag Attorney Bills

President Donald Trump is the first president to use private campaign donations to pay for the legal fees resulting from a criminal probe into his conduct.

In Speech to North Korea, Kim Jong-Un Calls Trump “Pocket Rocket Man”

Tensions between North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un and U.S. President Donald Trump are rising, with no sign of abating on the horizon.

Hillary Clinton Personally Sews and Sends Paul Manafort an Orange Jumpsuit

With FBI special counselor Robert Mueller breathing down his neck, former Trump campaign spox Paul Manafort may welcome gifts from anyone.

Awkward Backstage Emmys Moment When Confused Spicer Attempted Fellatio on Alec Baldwin

A befuddled Sean Spicer, former White House Press Secretary, reportedly tried to give Alec Baldwin a "Lewinksy Special" as Trump calls it.

Trump Opens Mar-a-Lago For White Nationalists Displaced By Hurricane Irma

In the wake of Hurricane Irma, and inspired by a former adult magazine executive, President Trump offers Mar-A-Lago to displaced racists.