Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

M&M’s Banned from White House Kitchens and Candy Dishes

"Their thin candy shells will be no match for our nook-you-ler missiles."

BIGLY SIZE ME: Eat Like Trump for 30 Days in the New Food Documentary

“Stealing Ideas is the Sincerest Form of Flattery.”

Top 3 Serial Sexual Predators Featured at This Year’s Values Voter Summit

Those who attend the Values Voter Summit can expect to be given the religious conservative viewpoint on a whole host of topics from abortion, to abortion, to also abortion, and oh, probably they'll mention something about dead babies after they mention abortion.

Trumper With Brain Cancer Losing Obamacare Subsidy Plans Last Words: “At Least Obamacare Died Too”

"Why should some rich guy pay for my medicine just because he's already hiding billions of dollars from the rest of us in offshore accounts?"

Trump to Use Obamacare Subsidies to Pay for His Trips to Mar-A-Lago During the Winter

"In times of great need, sometimes we all have to sacrifice. And by 'we all' I of course mean the plebs."

My Protest of Protests During National Anthem During the National Anthem Matters More Than Black Lives Matter

"Wasteful government spending is when you help poor families eat, not when you fly in jet planes to get fake mad at athletes protesting civil injustice."

President Trump Regrets Never Convincing Hugh Hefner to Put Ivanka in His Magazine

"I was never able to get him to put my lovely First Lady in the pages of his magazine."

Mike Pence Exited Colts Game Wrapped in American Flag and Being Consoled by Bald Eagle

"Do they have any idea what a threat to the American way of life it is for them to peacefully protest?"

Trump: Meals on Wheels Cuts Will Cover Cost of Flying Pence Around Country Making a Show of Getting Offended by Constitution

Vice President Mike Pence will continue to fly around to NFL stadiums protesting protests of the national anthem during the national anthem.

Pat Robertson Warns God Will Destroy America if Scouts Let Girls Play With Boys

"Thou shall not teach thine girls valuable life skills at the same time as boys in an extracurricular activity."