Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued an...

Tucker Carlson Hires David Duke as New Head Writer

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Tucker Carlson was in need of...

Mary Trump’s Book Claims Her Uncle Paid Someone Else to Take STD Tests for Him

Yesterday, a judge cleared the way for Mary Trump -- niece...

Stephen Miller Really Wants You To Put The Goddamned Lotion In The Fucking Basket

Forget Muslim bans, Stephen Miller, Trump's senior policy guy, wants everyone to put the lotion in the basket, or on their skin.

Redskins Rename Themselves to Honor Those Offended by Team’s Name Change

After almost nine decades using it, the nickname of the NFL...

Betsy Devos: “Some People Are Too Poor to Know When It’s Safe to Send Their Kids to School”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Education Secretary Betsy Devos told members of the...

Fauci Pronounces Trump ‘Dead From the Neck-Up’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a press conference this morning, Dr. Anthony...

Trump Signs Executive Order Making All His Future Bowling Scores 300s

In his latest executive order, President Trump wants to ensure his legacy as a premier bowler remains intact after he's left office.

Roger Stone Shows Off New Trump Tramp Stamp Prison Tattoo

MILHOUSE, FLORIDA -- Just outside a diner about fifteen minutes from...

President Trump Eliminates The Judicial Branch Via Executive Order

You might think the country really needs its Judicial Branch, but if you do, you're probably a libtarded beta cuck male and should shut up.