Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

A Handy Guide for Determining How Many of the Votes to Count in a Close Election

Democracy, so confusing, am I right? There are so many intricate...

Moscow Joins Trump Lawsuit Seeking to End Vote Counting in Pennsylvania

MOSCOW, RUSSIA, -- President Vladimir Putin has authorized the Kremlin to...

Report: More Than 70 Million Americans Voted to Steal the Election from Donald Trump

In a new development, analysis of the exit polling data from...

Votes and Math Really Starting to Piss Donald Trump Off

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- There are two things that sources say are...

Palpatine Declares Himself Chancellor With Millions of Votes Left to Count From Outer Rim

CORUSCANT -- Naboo Senator Sheev Palpatine has declared himself the winner...

Trump Asks If It’s Too Late to Run Election on “Golf Scoring”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is clearly rattled, and it...

Election Day: Voters Head to Polls During Final 24-Hours of Coronavirus Pandemic

Today, millions of Americans will stand in lines, sometimes for hours,...

Trump Says a Vote for a Democrat Should Only Count as Three-Fifths of a Republican Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans are voting today for who they think...

Congratulations, America! King Trump Has Decided to Let You Vote Today!

Citizenry of America! Rejoice! For your goodly King God Emperor, Donald John...