Regular readers will recall that one of the things we pride ourselves on most here is our ability to secure interviews with the nation’s top politicians and political pundits. However, we’re just as keen to interview average, every day Americans, even if they don’t have wealth, status, and power for us to glom onto or monetize…for some reason.
This week, we did a Skype interview with 28 year old Christina Smith. Christina lives in a swing state, but she prefers we not divulge which one, as she is afraid some of her neighbors might, as she told me, “shit a red-white-and-blue Twinkie” when they find out who she’s voting for.
It turns out, Christina’s also keeping her vote secret from Chad Beefington, her boyfriend of two years.
The Political Garbage Chute: Christina, nice to meet you, and thanks for agreeing to do this quick little Q&A with us.
Christina Smith: My pleasure. You guys have such an already sterling reputation for journalistic integrity and excellence, it’s a real thrill and honor.
TPGC: Can you tell our readers what you told us in your email?
CS: Sure. Basically, my boyfriend and I were talking about the election. He’s a construction foreman, and he would benefit greatly from being unionized and getting all those labor protections that come with it, but he’s also a born again Christian whose parents made him listen to Rush Limbaugh every day for 15 years…so he’s voting for the rapey conman guy.
TPGC: Did he ask you who you’re voting for?
CS: He just gave me that look that implied he knew who I was going to vote for. I told him that I already voted, early, using my mail-in ballot. Which made him roll his eyes, and he got really touchy with me.
TPGC: Because you did mail-in voting?
CS: Yeah, he said that only “soyboy beta cucks” do that, and that he was starting to worry about maybe George Soros sending me checks behind his back.
TPGC: What did you say in reply?
CS: I did what I usually do when he starts shouting his opinions on abortion or trans rights…I pretended I was having a minor stroke and he had to take me to the hospital.
Jesus Told Me Only “Fascist Incel Dorks” Don’t Like Separation of Church and State
TPGC: You’d rather pay that hospital bill for a fake stroke than…
CS: …hear his dumb thoughts on stuff that doesn’t concern him? Absolutely.
TPGC: So it was on the way to the hospital when he asked you who you had just voted for, is that right?
CS: Yep, that’s right.
TPGC: Did you tell him?
CS: Hell no. I didn’t want to have to fake a heart attack on top of the stroke, and I definitely didn’t want to hear him complaining about who I voted for. So I told him it’s a secret, and I’ll only tell him when or if he finds my clit.
TPGC: …
CS: …
TPGC: So you…he…hasn’t, ever…
CS: Not a single time. Not even by accident.
TPGC: We have to ask…if he can’t or won’t help you, um, climax, and he’s clearly not on the same page as you politically…why are you even with him?
CS: Oh, the tax write-off.
TPGC: Tax write-off?
CS: Yeah, the IRS says if you live with someone dumb enough to think a guy who bankrupted a casino is a good businessman, or a guy who raped and repeatedly defamed the woman he raped is a good, clean Christian man, they’re technically a dependent, and you can take that deduction.
TPGC: Ah, good to know. We’ll pass that tip onto our readers. Thanks for giving us your time, Ms. Smith.
