“We told them to pay Caesar what’s due to Caesar for a reason. Me-stianity and politics don’t mix.”
Jesus Hubert Christ is not a fan of Project 2025, or anything like it.
That’s what he told me during a recent lunch date at Jersey Mike’s. That’s not a slyly inserted ad, by the way, Jesus just loves himself a Jersey Mike’s sub, and the Original Italian is his favorite.
At any rate, when we got together last week for our monthly “JM Hang Sesh” as we call it, I asked Jesus if he was getting excited about the prospects of Project 2025 getting him and his dad, Larry “God” Schumway, back into American classrooms, workplaces, and pretty much every aspect of our lives. Jesus, under no uncertain terms, told me that was “absolute horseshit.”
“No. That’s absolute horseshit, Jambo. I’m in no way looking forward to that. Because Project 2025 is like every other consortium of right-wing ideologues, and it’s just full of fascist incel dorks who don’t like the Separation of Church and state,” Jesus replied. “They’re like those dorky Taliban dinks, just drinking a different flavor of Kool-Aid. And you know who loves that imaginary wall more than anyone? Dad and me.”
I asked him to explain why he and his dad want more division between themselves and American politics.
“Because politics is gross and full of gross people doing and saying gross things. I mean, pretty much politics is the antithesis of what I’m all about. Most politicians are looking for a way to acceptably fuck-over the poor or some minority group or another,” Jesus said. “That’s completely the 180-opposite of what we’re all about. So why would I ever want to swim in shark infested waters? There ain’t just blood in there; there’s all the shark piss and shit, too.”
Jesus Just Told Me He Probably Wouldn’t Vote for the “Rapey Sore Loser Guy”
Christ said he and his dad really don’t have any interest in helping Republicans establish a theocracy.
“We told them to pay Caesar what’s due to Caesar for a reason. Me-stianity and politics don’t mix. It’s never worked out okay for the little people, throughout your species existence, for one group of extremist douche-horns to pull all the levers of power,” the Son of God and 1995 Iowa Karaoke-Fest’s runner-up went on.
What Jesus told me the real issue is, at its core, is that he and his father don’t have any interest in what he called “micromanaging everything from ovulation to gender affirming care.”
“Like, I would love to spend my time and energy focused on getting that whole pediatric cancer thing Dad let loose on humanity on accident one night after drinking heavily under control, and if those date rapists at Project 2025 get their way I’m supposed to drop all that? Help them crotch check high school athletes and force rape babies to be born? Fuck that,” Jesus said emphatically. “I don’t have time or any inclination to be micromanaging everything from ovulation to gender affirming care.”
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