In hind(end)sight, giving my rectum its own Facebook account has come back to bite me squarely in the ass. Maybe I should have known better, but as you’ll see from reading this story, I was really put in quite a crappy position by that decision, and I’m hoping that if this piece doesn’t garner me any sympathy, it can at least serve as a warning to others. Don’t let your buttholes have a Facebook account, but if you do, you must regulate who they follow!
About six months ago, my anus came to me and asked if I’d be willing to sign-off on it getting its own Facebook account. I’ve known my asshole for quite some time, and I figured that it wouldn’t hurt anything to let it socialize and find old friends and rectal colleagues, as any of us would want to use Facebook to do. So, without much thought, I told my butthole to go ahead and create a Facebook account.
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It was about a day or two later that my anus told me it had started to follow freshman Congresspony Marjorie Taylor Greene. They told me it was just “for shits and giggles,” and considering it was my butthole and all, I thought it was actually very appropriate for shit to be involved. So, I once more didn’t really give the situation much thought.
Within a month, however, my heart began to sink with every interaction I had with my asshole. Keep in mind, that over the course of my lifetime, I’ve grown to understand that expelling shit is, well, my asshole’s literal purpose in life. However, after it had been following Marjorie Greene on Facebook for a short time, my butthole started spewing shit, and that’s not even the worst of it.
My asshole started spewing really dumb shit.
Like, the dumbest of dumb. It started calling everything it didn’t like or understand “communism.” It started insisting Joe Biden stole the election from Donald Trump. It even mentioned something about secret Jewish space lasers.
I’m honestly not sure at this point what can be done. I’ve got an appointment booked with a therapist who specializes in deprogramming people from cults. I’m hoping with enough time and counseling, I can rescue my asshole from the death cult of MAGA. But, considering how many assholes are in the MAGA movement, it doesn’t look like I should hold out much hope for my own.
I do actually have some hope, the odds notwithstanding. Watching Ms. Greene get progressively stupider with each passing day gives me a sense of urgency like I’ve never felt before. Please, send positive thoughts, prayers, or vibes to both myself, and my butthole, in these most trying of times.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
