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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

I Have a Wish List of Things Dark Brandon Should Do With His Presidential Immunity

Some people might really think that if the Supreme Court says presidents have immunity from prosecution  -- even for attempting coups -- that we're headed in the wrong direction as a country. And sure, if you're one of those libtarded cucks who thinks self-governance...
Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
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Pew Pew!

Jesus Christ Reminds Americans Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Made of Kevlar

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This morning, the Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc....
Pew Pew!

FBI Report Shows U.S. Needs Just 400 Trillion More Thoughts and Prayers to Reduce Gun Violence

"Platitudes are probably a way better idea at this point."
Conservative Media

Tucker Carlson’s Dry Cleaner Won’t Return White Sheets Without Claim Ticket

REICH LAKE, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News host Tucker Carlson is reportedly still fuming mad...
Women's Rights

Study Shows 10 Out of 10 People Against Abortion Never Have to Get One

A new study just recently published indicates that for every ten people who oppose...
MAGA News

MAGA Supporter Wants to Know Why Twitter’s Algorithm Made Him Tweet Racist, Sexist, Homophobic Content No One Wants to See

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster and singer/writer Jethro Bohiggins says he "knows...
Science & Medicine

Local Moron Doesn’t Understand Difference Between Climate and Weather

FARTKNOCKER FALLS, IDAHO -- 52 year old Matt Ricci does not believe that climate...
The War on Drugs

Marijuana Overdoses Multiplied By Over 1,000,000% Last Year

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The National Institute of Drug Policy and Research teamed up with...
Criminal Justice

Rod Rosenstein Takes Barr’s Phallus Out of His Mouth So He Can Criticise Comey Easier

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Office of the Inspector General has released a report that...
Science & Medicine

Poll: Majority Approve of Trump Using Nuclear Missile on Dorian If It’s Headed Toward Mar-A-Lago

Hurricane Dorian is picking up steam and headed toward Florida, having narrowly landfall in...
Science & Medicine

Surgeon General: Teens and Pregnant Women Should Avoid Cannabis and Driving Cars Off Bridges

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Surgeon General issued a warning to Americans this week, urging...
MAGA News

DeVos To Strike More Than 4.5 Billion Years Of Earth’s History From School Curriculum

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Education Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that soon schools all across...
Criminal Justice

Trump Official: IG Report Indicates Comey Was Second Gunman on Grassy Knoll and Helped Hillary Cover Up Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, the Office of the Inspector General released a report...
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Criminal Justice

I Have a Wish List of Things Dark Brandon Should Do With His Presidential Immunity

Some people might really think that if the Supreme Court says presidents have immunity...
Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)