Tic Tac Cock Puts Off Banning App TikTok

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — A man with a reportedly very small penis has decided that he will not pursue banning social media app TikTok for at least another 45 days, according to published reports.

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President Donald J. Trump announced last week that his administration would ban TikTok very soon. The app is designed for sharing short video clips, and has become quite popular among younger Internet users. Comedian Sarah Cooper’s lip synched videos of the president is rumored to be one reason the app got under his skin. Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway’s 15 year old daughter also made quite a splash on TikTok, using it to bash her parents and the president as well as promote the message of Black Lives Matter.

Further rankling Trump, TikTok is an app designed and owned by a company with ties to the Chinese government. Reportedly, this week Trump is back to being angry at China, though sources say he is likely to start tweeting nice things about China’s President Xi at a moment’s notice. There’s no denying a strong anti-Chinese sentiment among Trump’s base, which could also explain his extra-tough talk about TikTok in recent days.

However, this morning, The Hill reported that Microsoft has managed to negotiate a bit of a pause in the Trump administration’s response to TikTok. The tech titan is reportedly in negotiations to buy TikTok. According to reports, Trump has agreed to back off on banning TikTok for 45 days.

President Trump reportedly allowed Microsoft to pursue an acquisition of the wildly popular short-form video app TikTok on the condition that a deal be reached within 45 days.

The Treasury Department’s Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States (CFIUS), which scrutinizes foreign deals for potential security risks, gave the deadline to Microsoft and ByteDance, the Chinese firm that owns the app, Reuters reported, citing three people familiar with the matter. (The Hill)

Sources close to the situation say that Trump was convinced to stall banning TikTok by Microsoft’s pitch to him.

“In a letter Microsoft sent to the president,” one White House staffer told us on the condition of anonymity, “they repeatedly assured him that they believe his hands are normal sized, his genitals aren’t tiny and weird, and that he probably only barely wants to fuck his own daughter anymore. They also made sure to call him a good president, and as everyone knows, stroking this man’s ego or penis is the only way to get him to like you.”

Should Microsoft fail in its endeavor to acquire TikTok, sources say Trump is prepared to move forward banning it in the United States. The president’s usual lineup of supporters have already started to back him up in the press. Senator Ted Cruz (R-Douchebagistan) told reporters this morning as he arrived at work on the Hill that he thinks Trump is “showing great grit, determination, resolve, and willingness to abandon all that and let a massive multinational corporation do whatever they want to do.”

“This president keeps showing how fiercely he leads, and I’m all-in for it,” Cruz said, “and let me just say a couple more things. My wife is dog ugly. My dad helped try to kill JFK. I’m required by a compact signed between myself and the president to confirm and reaffirm those details every time I speak about him.”

MORE: That Time When Obama Suggested Delaying the Election and Republicans Were All Like, “Cool.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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