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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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MAGA News

Pence Already Backed Out of Debating With Harris, Because He Can’t Be On Stage With a Woman Who Isn’t His Wife

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice President Mike Pence has already announced that he will not...
Science & Medicine

CDC Releases New Urgent Guidelines for “Safe and Healthy” Circle Jerking

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued brand new, updated guidance...
MAGA News

Trump Appoints Himself CEO of TikTok

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's no big secret on the Hill that President Donald Trump...
Conservative Media

Obama Appears on Fox News Opposing Masks

Today, former President Barack Obama appeared on Fox News and urged viewers not to...
MAGA News

Trump Relinquishes Presidential Responsibilities in Democrat-Run Cities

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a press conference today, President Donald Trump officially relinquished all...
MAGA News

State Department Officially Recognizes City of Slamdick as Capital of Thighland

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Owing to a "need to keep the president's ego unbruised," Secretary...
MAGA News

Backside of Mount Rushmore Being Prepared for New Trump Bust

To the victors go the spoils, and Mount Rushmore is about to get spoiled, President Donald Trump style.
MAGA News

Local Idiot Still President

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The town idiot is still the President of the United States...
Science & Medicine

TikTok Changes Name to COVID-19 So Trump Will Leave Them Alone

CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA -- In an effort to fend off a regulatory slap and...
MAGA News

Trump: “Ivanka and I Fell In Love With Thighland on Our Honeymoon”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, President Donald Trump surprised the world and declared the existence...
Pew Pew!

NRA Member Vows to Triple Donations to Group That’s Robbed Him Blind for 25 Years

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Jethro Bohiggins bills himself as "the Internet's premiere pro-MAGA...
Pew Pew!

ISIS Offers NRA’s Wayne LaPierre Interim Position

SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA -- This morning, the New York Attorney General announced that her...
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Latest articles

Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)