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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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MAGA News

Trump Demands Secret Service Arrest Michelle Obama For “Verbally Beating the Living Shit” Out of Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last night, the most surreal and unprecedented Democratic National Convention in...
MAGA News

Biden Campaign Worried They Might Not Win the ‘Injects Self With Bleach’ Vote

It was a voting bloc that until this year's election cycle was largely ignored,...
MAGA News

She Wants to “Save The Children,” Just Not the Ones in Trump’s Concentration Camps

BLANCA SUPREMA, NEVADA -- 37-year-old mother of three Gwendolyn Howser in some regards sees...
MAGA News

Palpatine Defends Dismantling Republic Postal Service Less Than Three Months Before Galactic Election

CORUSCANT -- Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is defending this decision to largely dismantle the Republic...
Religion

God Apologizes for His “Sloppy Aim”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Larry "God" Schumway issued an urgent press release this...
MAGA News

Trump Wants USPS to Charge Democrats $200 a Stamp Until November 4th

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Trump administration's continuous changes at the United States Postal Service...
MAGA News

Can You Spot All The Similarities These Two Share That Make Trump Question Their Eligibility?

This man's name is Barack Hussein Obama. You might remember him from a previous...
Sports

Cowboys Change Cheerleader Squad Name to “Super Spreaders”

DALLASS, TEXASS -- This week, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones -- whose body and...
MAGA News

Trump: “Harris and Biden Are Dangerous Marxist Commies in Wall Street’s Back Pocket!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Lashing out at the Democratic Party's presidential ticket this morning, President...
The Democrats

Super-Liberal Can’t Support First Multiracial Female VP Candidate With Identical Voting Record as Bernie Sanders

LOS IDEALOGAS PURISTAS, CALIFORNIA -- 42 year old Shaun Martino considers himself "the most...
MAGA News

Trump Presses Thighland’s President for Dirt on Kamala Harris

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He's calling it another one of his "perfect phone calls," but...
Conservative Media

Back Off Ben Shapiro. I Know For a Fact His Wife’s Pussy Gets Wet.

The following was opinion essay was written in sum and in part by the...
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)