FT. DIPSHIT, TEXAS — Yesterday, to the shock of absolutely nobody who passed high school biology class, vaccine and mask skeptic Joe Rogan announced on his extremely popular podcast that he contracted COVID-19.
“BROS AND LADY-BROS! I HAVE SOME SUPER HARDCORE SHITTY-ASS NEWS, AND I CAN’T EVEN CLEAR MY HEAD WITH A GOOD ROID AND LIFT SESSION,” Rogan told his audience. “I GOT FUCKIN’ COVID, BROS AND LADY BROS! DESPITE TAKING ZERO PRECUATIONS AND LIVING MY LIFE LIKE THERE WAS NO PANDEMIC, I GOT IT! I GUESS JUST LIVING MY FREEDOMS DOESN’T PROTECT ME FROM VIRUSES. WHO KNEW?!”
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While Rogan also announced that he had taken a cocktail of drugs, much like former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump did when he was president — including the horse dewormer ivermectin — Rogan said on his show today that a “good friend and totally legit medical doctor expert guy” tried to help him get over COVID as well.
“DUDES AND LADY DUDES! I CANOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT, BUT I FEEL SO LOVED, AND SO CARED FOR RIGHT NOW,” Rogan shout-announced. “MY GOOD BRO, DOCTOR ALEXANDER JONES, M.D., CALLED ME UP LAST NIGHT AND SAID HE’S GOT THE SICK HOOKUPS ON THE TREATMENTS THAT REALLY, TRULY, TOTALLY KNOCK COVID THE FUCK OUT.”
According to Rogan, fellow right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones prescribed him a treatment course that includes 30 mg of chemtrails and a potent frog de-gaying medicine that reverses the long term effects of the government’s experiment to turn frogs into homosexuals. Rogan said he’d go to the pharmacy when he was done recording today’s episode of his podcast, so he could fill the prescription.
“BUT I HAVE TO GO TO THIS SPECIAL PRO-MAGA PHARMACY IN THE BACK OF A DUDE’S TRUCK, WHICH I’LL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY THANKS TO THE GIANT ‘TRUMP WON, FUCK COMMIES’ FLAGS HE FLIES FROM THE BACK OF IT,” Rogan explained. “I AM SO FUCKIN’ PUMPED TO KILL THIS VIRUS ONCE AND FOR ALL!”
Rogan promised to give an update on his progress after twenty four hours of taking the drugs Jones prescribed.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
