The Actual Jesus Christ Wrote This Letter to Kayleigh McEnany and Asked Us to Publish It For Him

Dear Kayleigh McEnany,

Hi! It’s me! Actual Jesus. The guy from the Bible, not the right-wing megachurch down the road.

Girl, what in the fuck are you on about anyway? How many times do I have to send you the same warning email before I have no other choice but to make an example out of you and light that Dad-damn crucifix you wear around your neck on fire in the middle of one your blatant falsehoods?

(Side note: Honey, a crucifix? Have you luddites never seen a single minute of the late, great Bill Hicks’ stuff? I’d tell you not to worry and you will one day, but you and I both know you will not be up here when you kick off. Anyway, thanks for reminding me every time I have the unfortunate fate to have to look at your vapid maw spewing bullshit on my TV how you people decided to end my short, impoverished existence on your world!)

In fact, the more I think about it, I think it’s time to pull the plug on your Christian Card. Consider yourself hereby (I know how much that word excites you) cancelled, Kayleigh. You can keep wearing that stupid cross around your neck if you want, but I assure you that your key will not let you into the lobby when you try to get in here after you die, homegirl.

You really should be ashamed of yourself for this, Kayleigh. Lying is breaking one of the Ten Commandments. Which is a super-duper weird thing for someone who pretends to be as devout a Christian as yourself, don’t you think? Then again, breaking one of the Ten Commandments also seems pretty out of step for the people who claim to be all about “law and order,” too, but I’m not here to try and figure out your hypocrisy. I’m just here to castigate, condemn, and ultimately, to ostracize you for it, you vapid fuckmuppet.

I gotta hand it to Neil Cavuto for having the sense to not amplify your garbage to a viewing audience hungry for the red meat propaganda their low-information diet craves. He gets a gold star for today.

It’s truly baffling to me, Kayleigh, that you’d use your proximity to the most powerful person in the world to shield yourself from the consequences of spewing unfettered bullshit, and then turn around and claim to be Christian. It’s humiliating, to me, Kayleigh, that you lie in service to a man and a party that hates poor people and wants to take everything, including their healthcare, away from them. In the middle of a Dad-damn pandemic no less.

The thing is, you knew this was coming. You know, deep down in your Ivy League-educated heart that you don’t believe a fucking thing you’re telling the teeming, unwashed masses. You know you’re not actually a Christian, either. You just pretend to play one on TV, but you show absolutely none of the core values I wanted people to show, if they were going to go around saying they believed in what I taught.

Quite honestly, Kayleigh, you are very lucky you don’t live on Earth at the same time I did. Because I can promise you one thing — I would have verbally berated you, overturned your money changing table, and made sure to tell everyone within earshot what a horrific human being you are, since that is indeed what you are — a horrific person. A villain, and I am officially telling you to pack your shit and get the fuck out of my club.

Now…go with me!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.