FAIR GLEN, MINNESOTA — Susan J. Wilkins, 38 years old, says she follows politics “fairly closely” and that even though she has no plans to vote for Donald J. Trump in November, she still is looking forward to watching the Republican National Convention from Cleveland this week, even if she doesn’t know who every single convention speaker is. There is one person in particular that she doesn’t have any clue about because she says she has “no fucking clue” who he is.
“I know who Tim Tebow is,” Wilkins told us, “he’s an alleged NFL-caliber quarterback. I know who who Melania Trump is, obviously. But I have no fucking clue who this Scott Mayo guy is.”
Wilkins says that after she asked her friends this weekend who he is, she was sent old clips from television shows called “situation comedies” from the 1980’s and 1990’s. Susan says she binge-watched entire seasons of “Happy Days” and “Charles In Charge,” but that within five minutes of finishing each show, she’d immediately forget who starred in them. Though she says even if “this Mayo guy was memorable in any way,” she still can’t figure out why Trump would invite him to speak at the convention.
“I mean…is he someone I should give a shit about,” Wilkins says she keeps asking herself, “just because he was an A-List celebrity for about two weeks back in the mid-1980’s and has been relegated to reality TV shows about his douchey dating habits since? Is that really who the Republican Party thinks will inspire other people to vote for their candidate — a guy mostly no one has heard of and who has no reason to be considered even remotely reliable in terms of politics and politicians? Mmm. Okay.”
When asked, Susan says that if Republicans were going to get “has been actors” to speak at their convention, they should use “old, possibly senile washed-up actors like Jon Voight.”
“They’re the party of crusty old white dudes,” Wilkins said, “so Voight fits the mold perfectly. Maybe that Scott Mayo guy just needs to sit it out another decade or two, and then he’ll be old enough to wag his finger at Americans and convince them to vote for a party that denies climate change, wants to know where trans people poop, and generally denies the existence of the 21st century. Until then, who the hell cares what D-List celebrities say about D-List reality-TV stars trying to become president?”
